Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do?

What seriously worries me as you King is that there are going to be members of my society out there that might disagree with me on this point. I will not tolerate criminals in My Kingdom. I will not make apologies for swiftly and justly punishing those that put the harmony of our society in peril.

I recently read an email that had pictures of a prison that could have easily been mistaken for a resort. How and When did that happen? There is a difference between treating a prisoner humanely and spoiling them with room service and facials (the spa kind, not the Shawshank Redemption kind). Prison should not be a place to get a break from life and have downtime to relax.

Effective immediately, if you are in prison, then you are going to be assigned hard labor. And unfortunately I know that for many of those incarcerated out there that “hard labor” means 6^th grade math, but I am talking about physical labor. There are holes that need to be dug, roads that need to be made, vegetables that need to be picked, toilets that need to be cleaned and bed pans that need to be emptied.

There are going to be other changes that need to be made to the current justice system, but besides the changes in our prisons for those already convicted, there are changes that need to be made to those that are about to be convicted.

If you run from the police, YOU ARE GUILTY. Why else would you be running? If you are not guilty of the infraction the officers think you are guilty of, then you must be guilty of something else, or you wouldn’t be running.

I will empower my police officers to dispatch punishment based on the infraction in the field. So you do not necessarily have to go to jail, but you must know that there are consequences for your actions. For instance:

1. If you run from the police, YOU WILL GET TASED!!! Even if you decide to give up at the end of the chase, the officers still get to Tase you. If you do not want to get Tased, then do not run.

2. If you steal a car, the police will give you the option of going to jail (hard labor) or getting a beating with their night sticks.

3. If you provide false information to the police, you will get Tased. Fortunately since everybody will be microchipped, you cannot hide your identity, but if you lie about anything, the officers get to Tase you on the spot.

4. If you assault a Police Officer, then you will be not only Tased, but also given the business end of a Night Stick. (I don’t care how many videos there are on the news about it)

These are a few of the MANY changes that will be made. What I want from the citizens of Commonland is to feel that they are safe. I know that I cannot eliminate all crime. In order to do that, I would have to eliminate every person in My Kingdom. There are always going to be people that choose to commit crimes, but hopefully they will think twice about their crimes when they are faced with the serious consequences of them.

Also, I know that many of you might be concerned with the flexibility and responsibility I am giving the police officers in My Kingdom. The saying of “Absolute power corrupts absolutely” could certainly apply. Stay tuned for my next posting about the requirements for becoming a police officer and more importantly the repercussions of abusing, misusing or failing to act as a police officer in My Kingdom. I will not lower the standards, but I will raise the expectations of those entrusted to protect the Citizens of Commonland. Also, I will address the crimes that will rightfully earn the death penalty in upcoming edicts.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Otis Campbell 2010

It’s almost unimaginable to believe that your King would look to a show as simple (and boring) as The Andy Griffith Show, but even a blind squirrel finds a nut from time to time. Although I disagree with a Sheriff who does not carry a weapon, they did manage to get one thing right: The Drunk Tank! When Otis Campbell drank too much, he would just go to the Mayberry Jail and sleep it off.

Somewhere between “Sheriff Andy Taylor” and “Sheriff Joe Arpaio”, the concept of the drunk tank went away. What took it’s place? What now fills that void? Where do we take our drunks? I’m sad to say, they end up in the EMERGENCY ROOM. Since when is being drunk an EMERGENCY???

Your King has been drunk many many times, but it has never been an emergency. Even when I was doing Karaoke at 0200 while butchering Poison’s “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn”, it may have been painful, but it wasn’t an emergency.

Effectively immediately, I will be bringing back the drunk tank. If the police department has to stop responding to legitimate crimes to take care of you because you are too drunk to function, then you are going to the drunk tank. And before you start with your bleeding heart “they need help”, “they are sick”, “they need to be monitored” rhetoric, let me address your concerns now.

1. Alcoholism is a disease: I am not arguing this point, however like ANY OTHER DISEASE, unless somebody seeks help, or more importantly wants help, then you cannot force treatment on them. You can force somebody to STOP drinking, but you cannot force them to QUIT drinking.

2. They could choke on their own vomit: I’m totally okay with that. If you don’t want to have to worry about choking on your own vomit, then don’t drink so much alcohol that somebody else has to take responsibility for you. We will do our best to monitor your position and breathing, but we are not your mommy.

More importantly than what will become of our drunks is how will we fund this venture. As you have hopefully noticed I am all about personal responsibility. If you end up in the drunk tank, you will be billed for the services rendered. How much will it cost? That’s easy $200 per visit. I think that is fair. The way I look at it is that it is a luxury. Think about it. First you get curbside service. Somebody will pick you up on whatever curb you passed out on. Second, you get a chauffeured ride. Granted, you are in the back of a police car, but somebody else is driving. You get a place to sleep in a safe environment. Ok, so maybe that place to sleep isn’t exactly a bed & breakfast, but you are being monitored and protected. That’s more than any Hilton will do for you, so I think $200/visit is a fair and reasonable expense. If you cannot afford to pay that amount, then you will be assigned hard labor. You will be paid an extremely fair rate of $10/hr, so 20hrs and you are free & clear until your next bender.

Lastly, the responsibility of transporting the drunks to the drunk tank will not fall on our highly trained police department. There will be patrols of Police Cadets 7 days a week driving around in vans for the sole purpose of taking people to the drunk tank. It’s good for them. It will help to teach them patience.

And for all of those ER Employees or EMS Personnel or Fire Department Personnel that are undoubtedly excited beyond imagination with this decree, you are welcome. And to all you drunks out there who feel you are entitled to drink until you pass out and then get a warm comfortable bed in an Emergency Room???? Two words for you….. DRUNK TANK.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

NO MORE TIVO OR DVR

A happy King is an efficient King. I realized last night that one of the things in this world that makes me unhappy is the fact that I no longer have the need to channel surf with my remote. It’s bad enough that as a Man, a “hunter/gather”, I no longer need to hunt or gather, unless gathering means I look at all the grocery ads for sales/coupons and go shopping for groceries, but now I don’t even get to use my remote control to control my TV by flipping through the channels to find a show to watch. I only have to push the “menu”, “guide”, “lineup” or any of the other buttons that show a channel guide. What’s even worse, with the ability to record shows, we are even more unlikely to watch live TV. It is not enough to only terminate the future production of TiVo, or similar Digital Recording Devices (DVR), but it is now ILLEGAL to possess, manufacture, distribute, remember, think about, reflect fondly upon, contemplate, pirate, or find any other loop hole to get around the ban of these recording devices. I know this may come as a shock to some of you out there, but I am doing this for the greater good. I am trying to make the men in Commonland MEN again. Back when a time when Men were Men and Women were proud of it!!! Back when you had to push the up/down button 300 times to find something you want to watch, and then forget what channel it’s on, so you get to push the buttons 300 times again. Think of how much power I am putting back into your lives. Trust me, you will thank me later.

I had another TV related edict I needed to impose, but since I am on the subject of TV, why not address them all in one statement. GOVERNMENT CONTROLLED TV. Don’t be frightened. I have absolutely no intention of controlling the news. I believe the news should be unbiased and truthful, whether it is good, bad or ugly. What I am planning on controlling is STUPID TV. I just gave you the primal power to control you TV with channel surfing, you should not be burdened with stupid ass shows that are on TV. You may asking your Merciful and Benevolent King right now, “Your Highness, what shows are you referring to”. Well, my citizens, that is very simple. Shows that are ridiculously stupid and serve no greater good are effectively banned. The show that sparked the outrage of your king is “Life After People” on the Discovery Channel TV. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. There are people out there that actually spent time and money on a TV show about what life will be like on planet Earth after ALL HUMANITY IS GONE. That’s like doing a TV show on what happens to a tube sock after I blow my load while looking at internet porn and throw it in the washing machine. HOW DOES THIS HELP MANKIND???? If it is happening after man no longer inhabits the planet, then how can knowing what you THINK will take place matter to me while I am inhabiting the planet? Instead of spending your time guessing as to what will happen after we’re gone, why don’t we look at what is wrong now, and what we can fix before we disappear. Also any show that “predicts” the future is gone. Any show that is dedicated to things like “The Bible Code” or Nostradamus are GONE. If you are telling me that the only reason you realized somebody predicted something was that you noticed it AFTER it happened, the you are crazier than I am, and that’s hard to do. If I write down in plain English that “It Will Rain On A Day Of The Week That Ends With Y” and then next week on a Monday it rains, that doesn’t make me a prophet. If you tell me that you looked at a book and you noticed that events that have ALREADY HAPPENED mysteriously line up crossword style in that book, then you’ve got problems. Until you can tell me what is GOING TO HAPPEN, as opposed to what has already happened, then I don’t want to hear it.

There are other shows that will have to be cancelled as well, namely any and all of the shows that have “Real Housewives” in the title. It’s hard enough to get regular housewives and their mom & pop livelihood to be content, but to add shows based on stuck up rich bitches to the lineup only weakens our god given right to be miserably content in our families. Don’t get me wrong, I am not opposed to “Reality” TV (who knows how real they are), I LOVE “Survivor”. What a great show. It tells you how to lose weight. All you have to do is cut your food intake and increase your physical output, and you will lose weight. Even though your King, who is a foodaholic who had to have a surgeon make his stomach the size of a salt shaker in order for him to lose weight, (I love going back and forth from 1^st to 4^th person in my writing), it is refreshing to see a TV show who pretends to show people “surviving” in an environment that human beings have been THRIVING in for centuries just to show those of us portly folks how to lose weight.

What will and will not be shown (other than news) will be evaluated by your King for content and usefulness. I give you my word and solemn promise that you will not be burdened unnecessary and useless TV that only takes up airways that can be used by more productive and far more entertaining TV.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common