It’s almost unimaginable to believe that your King would look to a show as simple (and boring) as The Andy Griffith Show, but even a blind squirrel finds a nut from time to time. Although I disagree with a Sheriff who does not carry a weapon, they did manage to get one thing right: The Drunk Tank! When Otis Campbell drank too much, he would just go to the Mayberry Jail and sleep it off.
Somewhere between “Sheriff Andy Taylor” and “Sheriff Joe Arpaio”, the concept of the drunk tank went away. What took it’s place? What now fills that void? Where do we take our drunks? I’m sad to say, they end up in the EMERGENCY ROOM. Since when is being drunk an EMERGENCY???
Your King has been drunk many many times, but it has never been an emergency. Even when I was doing Karaoke at 0200 while butchering Poison’s “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn”, it may have been painful, but it wasn’t an emergency.
Effectively immediately, I will be bringing back the drunk tank. If the police department has to stop responding to legitimate crimes to take care of you because you are too drunk to function, then you are going to the drunk tank. And before you start with your bleeding heart “they need help”, “they are sick”, “they need to be monitored” rhetoric, let me address your concerns now.
1. Alcoholism is a disease: I am not arguing this point, however like ANY OTHER DISEASE, unless somebody seeks help, or more importantly wants help, then you cannot force treatment on them. You can force somebody to STOP drinking, but you cannot force them to QUIT drinking.
2. They could choke on their own vomit: I’m totally okay with that. If you don’t want to have to worry about choking on your own vomit, then don’t drink so much alcohol that somebody else has to take responsibility for you. We will do our best to monitor your position and breathing, but we are not your mommy.
More importantly than what will become of our drunks is how will we fund this venture. As you have hopefully noticed I am all about personal responsibility. If you end up in the drunk tank, you will be billed for the services rendered. How much will it cost? That’s easy $200 per visit. I think that is fair. The way I look at it is that it is a luxury. Think about it. First you get curbside service. Somebody will pick you up on whatever curb you passed out on. Second, you get a chauffeured ride. Granted, you are in the back of a police car, but somebody else is driving. You get a place to sleep in a safe environment. Ok, so maybe that place to sleep isn’t exactly a bed & breakfast, but you are being monitored and protected. That’s more than any Hilton will do for you, so I think $200/visit is a fair and reasonable expense. If you cannot afford to pay that amount, then you will be assigned hard labor. You will be paid an extremely fair rate of $10/hr, so 20hrs and you are free & clear until your next bender.
Lastly, the responsibility of transporting the drunks to the drunk tank will not fall on our highly trained police department. There will be patrols of Police Cadets 7 days a week driving around in vans for the sole purpose of taking people to the drunk tank. It’s good for them. It will help to teach them patience.
And for all of those ER Employees or EMS Personnel or Fire Department Personnel that are undoubtedly excited beyond imagination with this decree, you are welcome. And to all you drunks out there who feel you are entitled to drink until you pass out and then get a warm comfortable bed in an Emergency Room???? Two words for you….. DRUNK TANK.
Your Supreme Ruler
King Common
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