A happy King is an efficient King. I realized last night that one of the things in this world that makes me unhappy is the fact that I no longer have the need to channel surf with my remote. It’s bad enough that as a Man, a “hunter/gather”, I no longer need to hunt or gather, unless gathering means I look at all the grocery ads for sales/coupons and go shopping for groceries, but now I don’t even get to use my remote control to control my TV by flipping through the channels to find a show to watch. I only have to push the “menu”, “guide”, “lineup” or any of the other buttons that show a channel guide. What’s even worse, with the ability to record shows, we are even more unlikely to watch live TV. It is not enough to only terminate the future production of TiVo, or similar Digital Recording Devices (DVR), but it is now ILLEGAL to possess, manufacture, distribute, remember, think about, reflect fondly upon, contemplate, pirate, or find any other loop hole to get around the ban of these recording devices. I know this may come as a shock to some of you out there, but I am doing this for the greater good. I am trying to make the men in Commonland MEN again. Back when a time when Men were Men and Women were proud of it!!! Back when you had to push the up/down button 300 times to find something you want to watch, and then forget what channel it’s on, so you get to push the buttons 300 times again. Think of how much power I am putting back into your lives. Trust me, you will thank me later.
I had another TV related edict I needed to impose, but since I am on the subject of TV, why not address them all in one statement. GOVERNMENT CONTROLLED TV. Don’t be frightened. I have absolutely no intention of controlling the news. I believe the news should be unbiased and truthful, whether it is good, bad or ugly. What I am planning on controlling is STUPID TV. I just gave you the primal power to control you TV with channel surfing, you should not be burdened with stupid ass shows that are on TV. You may asking your Merciful and Benevolent King right now, “Your Highness, what shows are you referring to”. Well, my citizens, that is very simple. Shows that are ridiculously stupid and serve no greater good are effectively banned. The show that sparked the outrage of your king is “Life After People” on the Discovery Channel TV. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. There are people out there that actually spent time and money on a TV show about what life will be like on planet Earth after ALL HUMANITY IS GONE. That’s like doing a TV show on what happens to a tube sock after I blow my load while looking at internet porn and throw it in the washing machine. HOW DOES THIS HELP MANKIND???? If it is happening after man no longer inhabits the planet, then how can knowing what you THINK will take place matter to me while I am inhabiting the planet? Instead of spending your time guessing as to what will happen after we’re gone, why don’t we look at what is wrong now, and what we can fix before we disappear. Also any show that “predicts” the future is gone. Any show that is dedicated to things like “The Bible Code” or Nostradamus are GONE. If you are telling me that the only reason you realized somebody predicted something was that you noticed it AFTER it happened, the you are crazier than I am, and that’s hard to do. If I write down in plain English that “It Will Rain On A Day Of The Week That Ends With Y” and then next week on a Monday it rains, that doesn’t make me a prophet. If you tell me that you looked at a book and you noticed that events that have ALREADY HAPPENED mysteriously line up crossword style in that book, then you’ve got problems. Until you can tell me what is GOING TO HAPPEN, as opposed to what has already happened, then I don’t want to hear it.
There are other shows that will have to be cancelled as well, namely any and all of the shows that have “Real Housewives” in the title. It’s hard enough to get regular housewives and their mom & pop livelihood to be content, but to add shows based on stuck up rich bitches to the lineup only weakens our god given right to be miserably content in our families. Don’t get me wrong, I am not opposed to “Reality” TV (who knows how real they are), I LOVE “Survivor”. What a great show. It tells you how to lose weight. All you have to do is cut your food intake and increase your physical output, and you will lose weight. Even though your King, who is a foodaholic who had to have a surgeon make his stomach the size of a salt shaker in order for him to lose weight, (I love going back and forth from 1st to 4th person in my writing), it is refreshing to see a TV show who pretends to show people “surviving” in an environment that human beings have been THRIVING in for centuries just to show those of us portly folks how to lose weight.
What will and will not be shown (other than news) will be evaluated by your King for content and usefulness. I give you my word and solemn promise that you will not be burdened unnecessary and useless TV that only takes up airways that can be used by more productive and far more entertaining TV.
King Common
Will you be creating the M.A.S.H. channel?
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