It has recently come to my attention that Softball was recently eliminated from the Olympics. You call yourselves Olympians and you excluded softball? You cannot possibly have the nerve to tell me that Badminton and Table Tennis are Olympic sports, but softball is not? Did the Summer Olympians suddenly start having an allergic reaction to sweating? Don’t get me wrong. I never claimed to be an athlete. I’ve always been more of a “math-lete”. However, if you are going to call yourself an Athlete, then you need to be prepared to sweat. Those girls that play fast pitched softball are true athletes.
So what is my solution as your king? The Olympics will be what they were designed to be, a true test of a persons’ skill, one on one. Effective as of my first day as your Kingness, the Olympic Games will no longer be a test of skill, but will be also be a matter of life and death. Here are what my Olympic games will be:
Summer Olympics:
1. Swimming – There will be sharks in the pool. That oughta up the times.
2. Basketball – The basketballs have tiny spikes on them.
3. Football (aka Soccer) – Well let’s be honest, put in real USA Football.
4. Volleyball – The game is played on Concrete in the middle of Harlem (let’s see them white folk show up to watch that game)
5. Gymnastics – The mat will be uneven and over a pit of liquid hot magma.
6. Tennis – The ball explodes randomly. Makes for a quicker game.
7. Badminton – Well, there’s nothing I can do to toughen that one up. It’s gotta go.
8. Table Tennis - Please see Badminton rule.
9. Weight Lifting – Both legs spread over a shovel full of hot coals, just like the Coyote always had to do it.
10. Fencing – exchange swords for flaming hot fire pokers.
11. Boxing – Gloves wrapped in double stick tape dipped in glass shards.
Winter Olympics:
1. Ski Jumping – Ghetto homeboys on the side shooting their AK-47s at you as you pass.
2. Cr0ss Country Skiing – Two words for you “Land Mine”.
3. Ice Hockey – If it ain’t broken, fix it!!!
4. Speed Skating – Chased by Freddy Krueger (and he’s good).
5. Curling – Who the fuck knows. I would have to understand the game before I can rule on it.
6. Bobsled – Unless you are a drug smuggler, there’s no reason to go that fast in that small of a craft.
7. Snowboard - When you need a place to hang your gold medals, there’s always a coat rack at the McDonalds.
8. Figure Skating – Apparently we need to work on our definition of “sport”.
9. Freestyle Skiing – You have to drink a 6 pack of beer before going down.
10. Snow Boarding – Since all your tricks look the same to me, and the King is never wrong, then it’s always going to be a tie for everybody that finishes the course without falling.
11. Biathlon – That’s easy, in my Kingdom that involves smoking marijuana, and staying awake the longest.
12. Speed Skating - Are you being chased by border patrol? Then why are you hauling ass?
13. Speed Skating – All versions, no matter how many meters. You are required to keep one hand on the ice at all times. Fingers are fair game all the other skaters.
Although there are thos are the “traditional” Olympic sports. Let me add some of the Kings’ Sport:
1. Man vs Lion
2. Man vs Bear
3. Man vs Librarian
4. Man vs Woman on PMS
5. Man Vs Crackhead
6. Man Vs HIV
7. Man Vs French-Canadian
More importantly, let’s bring back gladiator sports. None of this “American Gladiator” shit where they swing on ropes and run up pyramids. I’m talking old school gladiators. Man (gender non specific reference) against man to the death. Maybe I’ll throw in there an extra person, maybe a net or two extra, but somebody is gonna die. Whether it is at the hands of the gladiator or at the hands of my soldiers, somebody is going to die. I know that may sound unfair and tough, but so be it. If you are facing one of my soldiers in a death match, then you must have been sentenced to die by a court.
And I’m a kind an merciful King, and that I would not throw lambs to the slaughter; I will provide all those condemned to die with not only counsel, but with MMA training. I will give you the best chance of survival possible. I hope that you, my people, do not think I am getting soft on criminals. I am not. You can count on that. Just know that as a fair and mighty King, I will give them not only legal counsel, but also a MMA trainer so they can die with honor in the ring.
Your Supreme Ruler
King Common
No comments:
Post a Comment