Adult Onset Failure To Thrive

I’ve been struggling with what ruling I should make on warning labels. Some warning labels are worthwhile. “Electric Fence”, “Radioactive”, “Too Stupid to Live”….. etc. However there are some warning labels/disclaimers that are just ridiculous that if you need one of them, you will officially be diagnosed with “A.O.F.T.T”

Some of you might be asking yourself what AOFTT is, that is very simple. It’s Adult Onset Failure To Thrive. In pediatrics, “failure to thrive” is defined as “This is a general diagnosis, with many possible causes. Common to all cases, though, is the failure to gain weight as expected, often accompanied by poor height growth.” I used to think I could apply the term “Failure to Thrive” to adults, but since the official diagnosis requires there to be failure to gain weight, and we have a massive obesity problem, then I have to modify the definition for Adults. I think we will need to create a new category of “Failure to Thrive” for adults. This will focus on people that are too stupid to live unassisted.

For instance: If you sue McDonalds because you burned your legs with “Hot Coffee” that was Hot, or you try to consume the tube of Hemorrhoid cream that is for “external use only”, or you think “cruise control”, means it will steer the car for you, t or MOST IMPORTANTLY you use FICTIONAL TV series as sources of valid information, then you have AOFTT.

There was an report on CNN.com that said “It turns out that popular medical dramas don't always portray medical treatment accurately.” Note to those with early symptoms of AOFTT, it says “Dramas”. When my wife decides to kill me, I truly hope that the people that investigate my death didn’t just hit the TiVO record button of an episode of CSI to figure out how she did it. Because I can rest (in peace) assured that she figured out how to kill me by watching A & E or the IQ channel crime shows.

If you are so gullible or simple that you can’t tell the difference between fiction and reality, then it’s time to refer back to the previous posting about suicide. If you are one of those people that are: depressed and suicidal because Pandora, the planet in Avatar does not exist, or you think that the pizza/pool guy is hung like a mule and wants to have sex with you, or there are real Klingons out there somewhere, or people call 911 when they have a real emergency, or the “Taco Bell” diet actually works, or the picture the people post on “match.com” is accurate, or that Las Vegas really cares about you and most importantly that “Size Doesn’t Matter”, then I officially diagnose you with AOFTT and it’s time to move on to the next life.

I promise to make your transition to the afterlife painless if you are diagnosed with AOFTT. I know this may seem a little extreme to some of you out there, but the greater good will far exceed the cost and resources required to take care of people who are too stupid to live!!

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common