Keep the dress...... call it a souvenir. I can always make more!!!

Hopefully you picked up on the topic of this posting from the title. If you didn’t, then do me a favor, make sure when you cut your wrists you go the length of the forearm, not across the wrists!!

Ok. So I don’t know if I told you all or not, but I am married, but that by no stretch of the imagination means I’m NOT going to play the field while serving as your king. Maybe you don’t fully understand the meaning of the word “king”, but one of the implications is that I AM GOING TO GET BLOWJOBS! I mean seriously, can you think of a better pick up line that "Hey, I'm THE KING". I don’t want any of this secretive “I got a blowjob from an intern” bullshit. Let’s be honest, what do you really think happens with ANY position of power?

Now that’s out in the open. Let’s discuss what you can expect. First and foremost, I do not hold myself to a higher standard than I hold My Queen. If she wants to get eaten out or have sex with her bathers, then GOD BLESS HER. I fully intend to have sex with my bathers, why should I expect less of her?!?!?!

Anytime something stressful presents itself to me, I fully intend on getting a blowjob before making a decision. Always better to make important decisions without the baby batter on the brain. What that means to you all as citizens of Commonland, is that ANYTIME you see me on TV doing a “State Of The Kingdom Address” you can rest assured that I just got a sweet blowjob that may or may not have included a pinkie in the asshole. If we have to go to war…… I just got a blowjob. If unemployment is rising I just got a blowjob….. If we need to balance the budget I just got a blowjob…. If some dumb ass made the mistake of attacking My Kingdom….. I just got a blowjob etc etc etc.

And for all of you womens out there that think you can blackmail me with “The Dress”???????? I’ll make you a deal. Before I make any “Major Decision”, I promise to make a new dress!!! In fact, I promise as your king to put a new “King Christened Dress” on EBay every single week. Hell, if it’s a good week, I promise to put 2 or 3 on there.

So for all of you out there that might be offended by my openness with the fact that I like Blowjobs, I would like to say “I apologize”, but that wouldn’t be very royal of me now would it!!!

For once you have a leader that is honest. I hope you appreciate the honesty for a change.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew today.

I would like to take this opportunity to either guarantee your vote, or completely alienate you as a potential voter. The truth be told, if I alienate you on this one, you would probably be miserable in Commonland and even if this wasn’t a deal breaker for you, something later on the line would be. So let’s get into it.

As previously stated, “In order to qualify for marriage, both participants must be willing, over the age of 21, sober, blood tested and most importantly have different skin color.” I hope the more astute readers noticed that I did not say between a man and woman, but “participants”. So yes, I will officially say it. I am FOR SAME SEX MARRIAGE. Just as much as I am in favor of drunken one night stands, tattoos, body piercing, high fiber diets, tetanus shots, carrying a concealed weapon, birth control, abstinence, abortion, religion, high fat diets, internet porn, group masturbation, chewing on your fingernails, mixed martial arts, and riding a motorcycle without a helmet. They all make sense to some people and are all equally stupid to other people.

If you are gay or lesbian and you choose to marry, you should suffer the same consequences and gain the same tax benefits as the rest of us heterosexual marrying folks. Now to appease some of you conservatives, I plan on banning Gay/Lesbian/Transgendered parades. I don’t remember the last “straight & proud of it parade”. Be what you want to be, but you don’t need to wear a rainbow t-shirt while walking down the road with assless chaps on telling people how different you are.

While I’m on the subject of the “alternative lifestyle” (if there is such a thing), if you are gay, lesbian or transgendered, and you would like to serve in my Military, then GOD BLESS YOU FOR SERVING YOUR KINGDOM! If you are not one of the above and do not feel comfortable enough with yourself to serve with one of the people listed above, then I don’t want you anyway cause you are too scared to serve the greater good.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

APL - Automatic People Locator

Here’s where all the Religious Right start renouncing me as the Anti-Christ. And here’s where I tell them that I DON’T CARE!!!!

There are enough unknowns in this world (why is the sky blue, how did the Cardinals make it to the post season 2 years in a row, etc) without having to wonder who or where somebody is. There are certain sacrifices that have to be made for the safety and security for all the Commoners in Commonland.

My solution is to instate a mandatory APL (Automatic People Locator). This will be a microchip surgically implanted somewhere in the body, that doesn’t require gratuitous nudity to access (probably the hand or forearm), that will not only identify who the person is, but medical history, criminal history, emergency contact and also where they are at or where they have been anywhere within the kingdom. As previously stated, if you don’t want to work for the greater good, please feel free to get a one way ticket to anywhere in the world form the treasury. It’s not like we are going to be watching everything you are doing or even keeping track of the places you go. It’s kind of like the internet. “The Man” doesn’t keep track of where you’ve been on the internet unless you have been somewhere you are not supposed to be.

It is very important that you remember this decree as I will be referring to it frequently in upcoming postings. There are just so many problems that can be resolved by knowing where and who did what & when.

As with previous posts, please keep in mind that this is just a small piece of a much larger whole. You have to see the complete work in order to appreciate the artist.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Kill Whitie

I know the title doesn’t help much; hopefully it will all make sense shortly. Hopefully my last post gave you some insight into my general distain for people who are so busy worrying about where they came from and what they look like that they cannot focus on where they are going. If a commoner cannot focus on where they are going, they are going to be even more useless to the rest of their kinsmen in Commonland.

Every day I read something in the paper where one group of people gets offended by something somebody said or did because of the color of their skin. Of all the things in this world to hate somebody for, the color of their skin has got to be the most ridiculous of them all. There are so many really good reasons to hate people: Stupid People, Pedophiles, Murderers, and Politicians, just to name a few.

Since I am a very simple man, I realize that you cannot change people’s prejudices. Instead of trying to change the way people think, I have decided the simplest way to fix that problem is to ban marriages of people who are the same skin color. You notice I did not say same “ethnicity” or “race”, because don’t forget we are all human beings and more importantly, we are all Commoners. Of course I will not break up couples who are currently married, that would not be right. But all marriages after my coronation will have to be Ministry of Marriage approved. In order to qualify for marriage, both participants must be willing, over the age of 21, sober, blood tested and most importantly have different skin color. The way I see it, after a few generations we will all have the same skin color and people can get over themselves and focus on hating people for legitimate reasons. I know this change might sound a little extreme, but it is all for the good of The Kingdom of Commonland.

Please check back in every few days for further updates on changes you can expect. If you have not already done so, please join my followers (I promise that nobody will be asked to drink the Kool-Aid), and tell your friends about my plans. Take care of yourselves and other.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Tuesday January 19, 2010

Now that we've established that it is impossible for the King to have more badder grammar, let's get down to the heart of how my Kingdom is going to run.

I will not tolerate people identifying themselves as any other nationality other than citizens of My Kingdom. As citizens of My Kingdom, we are all "Commoners". None of us are going to be called "American-Commoners", or "African-American Commoners", or "Native-American Commoners", or "Asian-American Commoners" etc etc etc etc etc. If it is so important for you to be associated with the country you "ancestors" came from, then the treasury will be more than happy to give you a one way ticket back to your "home country" and you will NOT be permitted back into the greatest Kingdom in the history of the world. If you are born in My Kingdom, you are a "Commoner". If you choose to immigrate to My Kingdom, then you are a "Commoner". If you don't want to be a "Commoner", then the treasury will be more than happy to buy you a one way ticket to the country of your choice.

Now doesn't that feel better knowing we are all "Commoners"? We are going to be one people united for one common goal and we will all prosper because of it. Trust me!!!

Stay tuned for upcoming posts on how I plan to make My Kingdom where truly all men (please see above definition of men) are created equal!

Your Supreme Ruler


King Common

January 18, 2010

The first thing we will need to discuss in My Kingdom is I am instituting the rule of "King's English". Basically what the King says, must be grammatically correct. If I send out a declaration and there APPEARS to be a spelling error, then you are reading it wrong as it is impossible for The King to make a spelling error. For instance if I say "More Better", then whatever I am referring to MUST be better than better, so it is more better. So from now on what the King speaks, is "King's English" and will be considered law. This should help clear up any confusion in future postings.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Ok. It's now officially official. I am announcing my candidacy for King. I am just a common man like most or hopefully all of you (by "man" I am identifying myself as that of the male species, but also use the term generically to identify all people of all races, genders, gender questionable, gender in transition or gender unknown) reading this (hence the name "King Common"). I'm just a lowly non-politically affiliated, highly opinionated, over paid, under worked meat & potato eating American (for now, until my kingdom becomes official), who is ready for a change. I'm not edumacated or politically correct enough to run for President, so my only hope to change the world for the better is to become King.

As this is my first post, I think I will let you know a little about me so you can make a rational decision as to why you should vote me for King.

My philosophy is very simple. Stop compromising what is right for what is convenient. Take the emotion and "morality" out of ruling, and start weighing the benefits of the entire kingdom as opposed to the rights and freedoms of one person. Now, I know some of you might be thinking "communism", you are 100% incorrect. I am ALL of the "ism's" put together. My only goal is that my Kingdom and all of my inhabitants thrive and live life to the fullest. I am not against individuals profiting and succeeding in life. I think if you work hard, or are the "best" at what you do, then you should be rewarded. But I also expect EVERYBODY in my kingdom to pull their own weight (as long as they are capable).

Some of you may see my postings and say "He's the Anti-Christ". I'm 100% OK with that. I know that may sound odd, but hopefully by me saying it's OK to call me the Anti-Christ then the "religious right" will acknowledge that I am not him. I guess the way I look at it, either I'll bring about the apocalypse/rapture/Armageddon and the world will end, or I'll create a better place for all of us. Either way, it's a win-win-situation.

The other thing that I can see people thinking is that I'm an egomaniac who thinks he is a god who should rule all the little people. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I have a very low self opinion of myself, I don't like what I see in the mirror and I take anti-depressants. But what I do think I can do is rule fairly, objectively, and will always put the greater good above my own prosperity.

So that is me. I don't want people to rush to judgement as to why I should be their supreme leader. I will post different thoughts/views for your consideration so you can make the rational (and right) choice that I am the only choice for King.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common