Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do?

What seriously worries me as you King is that there are going to be members of my society out there that might disagree with me on this point. I will not tolerate criminals in My Kingdom. I will not make apologies for swiftly and justly punishing those that put the harmony of our society in peril.

I recently read an email that had pictures of a prison that could have easily been mistaken for a resort. How and When did that happen? There is a difference between treating a prisoner humanely and spoiling them with room service and facials (the spa kind, not the Shawshank Redemption kind). Prison should not be a place to get a break from life and have downtime to relax.

Effective immediately, if you are in prison, then you are going to be assigned hard labor. And unfortunately I know that for many of those incarcerated out there that “hard labor” means 6^th grade math, but I am talking about physical labor. There are holes that need to be dug, roads that need to be made, vegetables that need to be picked, toilets that need to be cleaned and bed pans that need to be emptied.

There are going to be other changes that need to be made to the current justice system, but besides the changes in our prisons for those already convicted, there are changes that need to be made to those that are about to be convicted.

If you run from the police, YOU ARE GUILTY. Why else would you be running? If you are not guilty of the infraction the officers think you are guilty of, then you must be guilty of something else, or you wouldn’t be running.

I will empower my police officers to dispatch punishment based on the infraction in the field. So you do not necessarily have to go to jail, but you must know that there are consequences for your actions. For instance:

1. If you run from the police, YOU WILL GET TASED!!! Even if you decide to give up at the end of the chase, the officers still get to Tase you. If you do not want to get Tased, then do not run.

2. If you steal a car, the police will give you the option of going to jail (hard labor) or getting a beating with their night sticks.

3. If you provide false information to the police, you will get Tased. Fortunately since everybody will be microchipped, you cannot hide your identity, but if you lie about anything, the officers get to Tase you on the spot.

4. If you assault a Police Officer, then you will be not only Tased, but also given the business end of a Night Stick. (I don’t care how many videos there are on the news about it)

These are a few of the MANY changes that will be made. What I want from the citizens of Commonland is to feel that they are safe. I know that I cannot eliminate all crime. In order to do that, I would have to eliminate every person in My Kingdom. There are always going to be people that choose to commit crimes, but hopefully they will think twice about their crimes when they are faced with the serious consequences of them.

Also, I know that many of you might be concerned with the flexibility and responsibility I am giving the police officers in My Kingdom. The saying of “Absolute power corrupts absolutely” could certainly apply. Stay tuned for my next posting about the requirements for becoming a police officer and more importantly the repercussions of abusing, misusing or failing to act as a police officer in My Kingdom. I will not lower the standards, but I will raise the expectations of those entrusted to protect the Citizens of Commonland. Also, I will address the crimes that will rightfully earn the death penalty in upcoming edicts.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Otis Campbell 2010

It’s almost unimaginable to believe that your King would look to a show as simple (and boring) as The Andy Griffith Show, but even a blind squirrel finds a nut from time to time. Although I disagree with a Sheriff who does not carry a weapon, they did manage to get one thing right: The Drunk Tank! When Otis Campbell drank too much, he would just go to the Mayberry Jail and sleep it off.

Somewhere between “Sheriff Andy Taylor” and “Sheriff Joe Arpaio”, the concept of the drunk tank went away. What took it’s place? What now fills that void? Where do we take our drunks? I’m sad to say, they end up in the EMERGENCY ROOM. Since when is being drunk an EMERGENCY???

Your King has been drunk many many times, but it has never been an emergency. Even when I was doing Karaoke at 0200 while butchering Poison’s “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn”, it may have been painful, but it wasn’t an emergency.

Effectively immediately, I will be bringing back the drunk tank. If the police department has to stop responding to legitimate crimes to take care of you because you are too drunk to function, then you are going to the drunk tank. And before you start with your bleeding heart “they need help”, “they are sick”, “they need to be monitored” rhetoric, let me address your concerns now.

1. Alcoholism is a disease: I am not arguing this point, however like ANY OTHER DISEASE, unless somebody seeks help, or more importantly wants help, then you cannot force treatment on them. You can force somebody to STOP drinking, but you cannot force them to QUIT drinking.

2. They could choke on their own vomit: I’m totally okay with that. If you don’t want to have to worry about choking on your own vomit, then don’t drink so much alcohol that somebody else has to take responsibility for you. We will do our best to monitor your position and breathing, but we are not your mommy.

More importantly than what will become of our drunks is how will we fund this venture. As you have hopefully noticed I am all about personal responsibility. If you end up in the drunk tank, you will be billed for the services rendered. How much will it cost? That’s easy $200 per visit. I think that is fair. The way I look at it is that it is a luxury. Think about it. First you get curbside service. Somebody will pick you up on whatever curb you passed out on. Second, you get a chauffeured ride. Granted, you are in the back of a police car, but somebody else is driving. You get a place to sleep in a safe environment. Ok, so maybe that place to sleep isn’t exactly a bed & breakfast, but you are being monitored and protected. That’s more than any Hilton will do for you, so I think $200/visit is a fair and reasonable expense. If you cannot afford to pay that amount, then you will be assigned hard labor. You will be paid an extremely fair rate of $10/hr, so 20hrs and you are free & clear until your next bender.

Lastly, the responsibility of transporting the drunks to the drunk tank will not fall on our highly trained police department. There will be patrols of Police Cadets 7 days a week driving around in vans for the sole purpose of taking people to the drunk tank. It’s good for them. It will help to teach them patience.

And for all of those ER Employees or EMS Personnel or Fire Department Personnel that are undoubtedly excited beyond imagination with this decree, you are welcome. And to all you drunks out there who feel you are entitled to drink until you pass out and then get a warm comfortable bed in an Emergency Room???? Two words for you….. DRUNK TANK.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

NO MORE TIVO OR DVR

A happy King is an efficient King. I realized last night that one of the things in this world that makes me unhappy is the fact that I no longer have the need to channel surf with my remote. It’s bad enough that as a Man, a “hunter/gather”, I no longer need to hunt or gather, unless gathering means I look at all the grocery ads for sales/coupons and go shopping for groceries, but now I don’t even get to use my remote control to control my TV by flipping through the channels to find a show to watch. I only have to push the “menu”, “guide”, “lineup” or any of the other buttons that show a channel guide. What’s even worse, with the ability to record shows, we are even more unlikely to watch live TV. It is not enough to only terminate the future production of TiVo, or similar Digital Recording Devices (DVR), but it is now ILLEGAL to possess, manufacture, distribute, remember, think about, reflect fondly upon, contemplate, pirate, or find any other loop hole to get around the ban of these recording devices. I know this may come as a shock to some of you out there, but I am doing this for the greater good. I am trying to make the men in Commonland MEN again. Back when a time when Men were Men and Women were proud of it!!! Back when you had to push the up/down button 300 times to find something you want to watch, and then forget what channel it’s on, so you get to push the buttons 300 times again. Think of how much power I am putting back into your lives. Trust me, you will thank me later.

I had another TV related edict I needed to impose, but since I am on the subject of TV, why not address them all in one statement. GOVERNMENT CONTROLLED TV. Don’t be frightened. I have absolutely no intention of controlling the news. I believe the news should be unbiased and truthful, whether it is good, bad or ugly. What I am planning on controlling is STUPID TV. I just gave you the primal power to control you TV with channel surfing, you should not be burdened with stupid ass shows that are on TV. You may asking your Merciful and Benevolent King right now, “Your Highness, what shows are you referring to”. Well, my citizens, that is very simple. Shows that are ridiculously stupid and serve no greater good are effectively banned. The show that sparked the outrage of your king is “Life After People” on the Discovery Channel TV. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. There are people out there that actually spent time and money on a TV show about what life will be like on planet Earth after ALL HUMANITY IS GONE. That’s like doing a TV show on what happens to a tube sock after I blow my load while looking at internet porn and throw it in the washing machine. HOW DOES THIS HELP MANKIND???? If it is happening after man no longer inhabits the planet, then how can knowing what you THINK will take place matter to me while I am inhabiting the planet? Instead of spending your time guessing as to what will happen after we’re gone, why don’t we look at what is wrong now, and what we can fix before we disappear. Also any show that “predicts” the future is gone. Any show that is dedicated to things like “The Bible Code” or Nostradamus are GONE. If you are telling me that the only reason you realized somebody predicted something was that you noticed it AFTER it happened, the you are crazier than I am, and that’s hard to do. If I write down in plain English that “It Will Rain On A Day Of The Week That Ends With Y” and then next week on a Monday it rains, that doesn’t make me a prophet. If you tell me that you looked at a book and you noticed that events that have ALREADY HAPPENED mysteriously line up crossword style in that book, then you’ve got problems. Until you can tell me what is GOING TO HAPPEN, as opposed to what has already happened, then I don’t want to hear it.

There are other shows that will have to be cancelled as well, namely any and all of the shows that have “Real Housewives” in the title. It’s hard enough to get regular housewives and their mom & pop livelihood to be content, but to add shows based on stuck up rich bitches to the lineup only weakens our god given right to be miserably content in our families. Don’t get me wrong, I am not opposed to “Reality” TV (who knows how real they are), I LOVE “Survivor”. What a great show. It tells you how to lose weight. All you have to do is cut your food intake and increase your physical output, and you will lose weight. Even though your King, who is a foodaholic who had to have a surgeon make his stomach the size of a salt shaker in order for him to lose weight, (I love going back and forth from 1^st to 4^th person in my writing), it is refreshing to see a TV show who pretends to show people “surviving” in an environment that human beings have been THRIVING in for centuries just to show those of us portly folks how to lose weight.

What will and will not be shown (other than news) will be evaluated by your King for content and usefulness. I give you my word and solemn promise that you will not be burdened unnecessary and useless TV that only takes up airways that can be used by more productive and far more entertaining TV.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

You Call That An Olympic Athlete?

It has recently come to my attention that Softball was recently eliminated from the Olympics. You call yourselves Olympians and you excluded softball? You cannot possibly have the nerve to tell me that Badminton and Table Tennis are Olympic sports, but softball is not? Did the Summer Olympians suddenly start having an allergic reaction to sweating? Don’t get me wrong. I never claimed to be an athlete. I’ve always been more of a “math-lete”. However, if you are going to call yourself an Athlete, then you need to be prepared to sweat. Those girls that play fast pitched softball are true athletes.

So what is my solution as your king? The Olympics will be what they were designed to be, a true test of a persons’ skill, one on one. Effective as of my first day as your Kingness, the Olympic Games will no longer be a test of skill, but will be also be a matter of life and death. Here are what my Olympic games will be:

Summer Olympics:

1. Swimming – There will be sharks in the pool. That oughta up the times.

2. Basketball – The basketballs have tiny spikes on them.

3. Football (aka Soccer) – Well let’s be honest, put in real USA Football.

4. Volleyball – The game is played on Concrete in the middle of Harlem (let’s see them white folk show up to watch that game)

5. Gymnastics – The mat will be uneven and over a pit of liquid hot magma.

6. Tennis – The ball explodes randomly. Makes for a quicker game.

7. Badminton – Well, there’s nothing I can do to toughen that one up. It’s gotta go.

8. Table Tennis - Please see Badminton rule.

9. Weight Lifting – Both legs spread over a shovel full of hot coals, just like the Coyote always had to do it.

10. Fencing – exchange swords for flaming hot fire pokers.

11. Boxing – Gloves wrapped in double stick tape dipped in glass shards.

Winter Olympics:

1. Ski Jumping – Ghetto homeboys on the side shooting their AK-47s at you as you pass.

2. Cr0ss Country Skiing – Two words for you “Land Mine”.

3. Ice Hockey – If it ain’t broken, fix it!!!

4. Speed Skating – Chased by Freddy Krueger (and he’s good).

5. Curling – Who the fuck knows. I would have to understand the game before I can rule on it.

6. Bobsled – Unless you are a drug smuggler, there’s no reason to go that fast in that small of a craft.

7. Snowboard - When you need a place to hang your gold medals, there’s always a coat rack at the McDonalds.

8. Figure Skating – Apparently we need to work on our definition of “sport”.

9. Freestyle Skiing – You have to drink a 6 pack of beer before going down.

10. Snow Boarding – Since all your tricks look the same to me, and the King is never wrong, then it’s always going to be a tie for everybody that finishes the course without falling.

11. Biathlon – That’s easy, in my Kingdom that involves smoking marijuana, and staying awake the longest.

12. Speed Skating - Are you being chased by border patrol? Then why are you hauling ass?

13. Speed Skating – All versions, no matter how many meters. You are required to keep one hand on the ice at all times. Fingers are fair game all the other skaters.

Although there are thos are the “traditional” Olympic sports. Let me add some of the Kings’ Sport:

1. Man vs Lion

2. Man vs Bear

3. Man vs Librarian

4. Man vs Woman on PMS

5. Man Vs Crackhead

6. Man Vs HIV

7. Man Vs French-Canadian

More importantly, let’s bring back gladiator sports. None of this “American Gladiator” shit where they swing on ropes and run up pyramids. I’m talking old school gladiators. Man (gender non specific reference) against man to the death. Maybe I’ll throw in there an extra person, maybe a net or two extra, but somebody is gonna die. Whether it is at the hands of the gladiator or at the hands of my soldiers, somebody is going to die. I know that may sound unfair and tough, but so be it. If you are facing one of my soldiers in a death match, then you must have been sentenced to die by a court.

And I’m a kind an merciful King, and that I would not throw lambs to the slaughter; I will provide all those condemned to die with not only counsel, but with MMA training. I will give you the best chance of survival possible. I hope that you, my people, do not think I am getting soft on criminals. I am not. You can count on that. Just know that as a fair and mighty King, I will give them not only legal counsel, but also a MMA trainer so they can die with honor in the ring.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Commonland Requirement: Gun & Snuggie

In The Bible, The Book of Revelation spends a lot of time talking about Armageddon. Specifically Revelation 9:16 refers to an army of 200 million men, and some religious rights have thought that this could possibly refer to China. Well, I hate to tell you, but just further proof that I might be the Anti-Christ, in my opinion, 200 million is child’s play. In Commonland, every citizen who is physically capable of serving in the military will do so. And by physically capable, I mean don’t think you can over eat, gain a lot of weight and not qualify for duty. My health insurance will cover gastric bypass, nutritionists, gymnasium and a personal trainer until you are fit for military service. But if you make me go through all of that just to get you in shape to serve, then I get to pick which branch and what your job is going to be. If you don’t make me, then I will do the best I can to make sure that you can choose your branch and your means of service. Also keep in mind, just because you WANT to do something, doesn’t mean you CAN do it.

I know as a child you were probably told you can do anything you want as long as you put your mind to it. I hate to be the one to tell you, but that’s bullshit. I WANT to be a supermodel but the reality is I CANNOT be one. Except as King, then I’ll be like Oprah, have my own magazine and only put myself on the cover. What does that mean to you as my loyal citizens? If you have bad vision, then you are not going to be a fighter pilot. If you have flat feet, then I’m not going to make you an infantry soldier, if you are 4’0”, then I’m not going to put you on the drill squad and if you are just barely above the AOFTT level (see previous post), then you are not going to be in a position of command. Now I know some of you may object to military service due to morale grounds for killing others, please understand that although I cannot fathom that problem, I will still find you a job. There is always a need for cooks and laundry personnel.

This may surprise some of you, but I DO NOT believe in the right to keep and bear arms. I DO NOT believe that owning a firearm should be an option. In fact, in Commonland, you do not have the right to bear arms, you have the OBLIGATION to bear arms. After you have completed your service in the military, you will be required to keep and maintain your firearm that you were issued during service. I have not yet decided on what will be standard issue for my soldiers, but rest assured it will be a reliable weapon with stopping power. At any given moment you may be required to re-qualify in the presence of a firearms instructor at a shooting range, and if you do not keep, maintain and qualify with your weapon, you will be fined and put on restriction.

Women in combat: For some reason this seems to be a controversial topic for some people. I have no idea why. I suppose just as much as I do not approve of affirmative action. I do not care what age, race and GENDER you are. The best person for the job gets the job. My current profession is in a traditionally male dominated profession. There are starting to be more and more women in it and I could not be happier. However, keep in mind, just like I stated earlier, just because you want, doesn’t mean you can. If you are a woman, and you are 4’11” and you want to be on the drill team that requires you to be 6’0” tall exactly, I’m not telling you no because you are a woman, I’m telling you no because you are 4’11”. To all my women citizens out there, you will apply, test and qualify with everybody else and everybody is on the same playing field. Because let’s be honest, whether you are the doctor cutting into my body, the accountant handling my taxes or the fighter pilot protecting my nation, I wasn’t the best person doing the job.

It is fully my intent that if we are attacked or need to call up reserves at any given moment, that every citizen in Commonland over the age of 18, not a felon and physically/mentally capable, be ready to defend Commonland on a moment’s notice. So if that makes me the Anti-Christ for wanting to have an army of 200 million, then so be it.

On a final note, and I apologize for leaving this until the end because it is near and dear to my heart, one other item that will be mandatory in all homes in Commonland, is the SNUGGIE. If you have not yet experienced the benefits and comfort of a snuggie, then you are missing out. If you are one of those men out there who are too insecure with yourself to own a snuggie, then get over it. Snuggies will be issued to everybody in my military and will be required to keep them and maintain them just like you do your weapon. Trust me when I tell you that it will be one of the many things in my Kingdom that you will appreciate once you just let the experience happen.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Beer.....It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Why does “The Man” feel that he can tell me when it’s okay to have a bad habit? Why is it not okay to buy alcohol between midnight and 6am Mon – Saturday and Midnight Saturday to noon on Sunday? What changes between those hours that make alcohol any more intoxicating, sex encouraging, black out enhancing, narcotic potentiating, fattening, karaoke inducing or addictive? I am a grown ass man and if I want to get off work at 0600 on a Sunday morning and I want to have a beer, I should be able to go to the Kwiki Mart and buy some beer. Las Vegas serves alcohol 24/7 and despite the wishes and prayers of the Religious Right, it has not exploded.

One of my rules as your King is to never identify a problem without also offering a solution. My solution is for any establishment with a valid liquor license to sell any alcohol any time of the day to any person 21 or older who does not already appear to be intoxicated. They do not even have to worry about looking at identification since everybody will be chipped and the chip will have their age on it. All stores with a valid liquor license must also have an instant breathalyzer that they may ask any person purchasing alcohol to do. If they so choose to have every single person do it every single time, then that is their policy and if you do not like it, you do not have to purchase your breakfast beer from them.

Another problem that I foresee arising is the increase in the number of cases of DUI’s. The legal blood alcohol level will be 0.08. As you will see in future postings I will be very tough on crime with a very low tolerance for repeat offenders. So there will be none of this bullshit about people having multiple DUI’s and still driving and not being incarcerated for life. If you are pulled over for suspected DUI, you will be given a breathalyzer. If you refuse, that is an automatic admission of guilt and you will be sentenced to 1 year hard labor and your car will be impounded and sold. After your first DUI offense, you will be required for life to have a breathalyzer installed in your car that will act as a kill switch. On your second offense, you will be sentenced to 10 years of hard labor. On your third offense, you will be executed. No appeals, no exceptions, no deals and no lawyer. If your blood alcohol level is 0.08 or above that is an automatic conviction. If you are involved in a Motor Vehicle Collision and if either EMS or PD suspects alcohol is involved, then the hospital will be REQUIRED to draw your blood and tested for alcohol. Same rules apply to the breathalyzer. If you are responsible for a collision and you are intoxicated you are automatically financially responsible for everybody involved. If somebody is killed in that collision, EVERYTHING you own is given to the family and you will be executed.

It’s very simple. I will not tell you when you can or can’t drink. Just drink responsibly.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

SSRI + Benzo + Viagra = Happieness

My staff brought to my attention today that somebody flew a plane into a building in Austin Texas. I was very saddened to hear about this event; however it reminded me of my last two postings: Taxes and Suicide.

Had I been your elected King this tragedy would have never occurred. Why? Because in My Kingdom there won’t be an IRS, just a Marijuana Tax, and if you want to commit suicide, then there will be centers for that.

More importantly what came to mind today is how I can keep this tragedy from happening again. It’s called “Prozac”. Many of you out there are probably thinking that you don’t need Prozac. That’s like saying you don’t need money. You can never be too rich or too beautiful. For that matter, you can never have too much SSRI’s in your system. My solution is I will have daily aerial sprayings of Prozac and Ativan (it’s a benzodiazepine, similar to Valium) over my entire country on a regular basis. That way if you feel as though you are wronged by my rulings, you won’t care!!!

Think of all the benefits. All my citizens will be happier, sleep better, drive slower and relax more. There are some minor risks of sexual dysfunction, SSRI’s (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, like Prozac) have been known to decrease libido. However, since healthcare will be universal, you can take all the Viagra you want, and it won’t cost you a dime. I don’t see any downside, and since I am King, my vote is the only one that matters.

The jackass today that flew his plane into the IRS building would either have had no desire to kill himself, or would have been able to do it in a controlled environment. He needlessly endangered innocent bystanders, and more importantly all the first responders to the scene (Police, Fire & EMS) would not have needed to put themselves in harm’s way for a psychopath. Think of all the important things your Emergency Service Personnel could have been doing. They could have been eating a donut (Police) taking a nap (EMS) or working out and then staring at themselves in the mirror (Fire). If you think you do not need the Prozac or Ativan, don’t worry, in about 4 to 6 weeks when your levels are up, you will either not care or you will thank me.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common