You Call That An Olympic Athlete?

It has recently come to my attention that Softball was recently eliminated from the Olympics. You call yourselves Olympians and you excluded softball? You cannot possibly have the nerve to tell me that Badminton and Table Tennis are Olympic sports, but softball is not? Did the Summer Olympians suddenly start having an allergic reaction to sweating? Don’t get me wrong. I never claimed to be an athlete. I’ve always been more of a “math-lete”. However, if you are going to call yourself an Athlete, then you need to be prepared to sweat. Those girls that play fast pitched softball are true athletes.

So what is my solution as your king? The Olympics will be what they were designed to be, a true test of a persons’ skill, one on one. Effective as of my first day as your Kingness, the Olympic Games will no longer be a test of skill, but will be also be a matter of life and death. Here are what my Olympic games will be:

Summer Olympics:

1. Swimming – There will be sharks in the pool. That oughta up the times.

2. Basketball – The basketballs have tiny spikes on them.

3. Football (aka Soccer) – Well let’s be honest, put in real USA Football.

4. Volleyball – The game is played on Concrete in the middle of Harlem (let’s see them white folk show up to watch that game)

5. Gymnastics – The mat will be uneven and over a pit of liquid hot magma.

6. Tennis – The ball explodes randomly. Makes for a quicker game.

7. Badminton – Well, there’s nothing I can do to toughen that one up. It’s gotta go.

8. Table Tennis - Please see Badminton rule.

9. Weight Lifting – Both legs spread over a shovel full of hot coals, just like the Coyote always had to do it.

10. Fencing – exchange swords for flaming hot fire pokers.

11. Boxing – Gloves wrapped in double stick tape dipped in glass shards.

Winter Olympics:

1. Ski Jumping – Ghetto homeboys on the side shooting their AK-47s at you as you pass.

2. Cr0ss Country Skiing – Two words for you “Land Mine”.

3. Ice Hockey – If it ain’t broken, fix it!!!

4. Speed Skating – Chased by Freddy Krueger (and he’s good).

5. Curling – Who the fuck knows. I would have to understand the game before I can rule on it.

6. Bobsled – Unless you are a drug smuggler, there’s no reason to go that fast in that small of a craft.

7. Snowboard - When you need a place to hang your gold medals, there’s always a coat rack at the McDonalds.

8. Figure Skating – Apparently we need to work on our definition of “sport”.

9. Freestyle Skiing – You have to drink a 6 pack of beer before going down.

10. Snow Boarding – Since all your tricks look the same to me, and the King is never wrong, then it’s always going to be a tie for everybody that finishes the course without falling.

11. Biathlon – That’s easy, in my Kingdom that involves smoking marijuana, and staying awake the longest.

12. Speed Skating - Are you being chased by border patrol? Then why are you hauling ass?

13. Speed Skating – All versions, no matter how many meters. You are required to keep one hand on the ice at all times. Fingers are fair game all the other skaters.

Although there are thos are the “traditional” Olympic sports. Let me add some of the Kings’ Sport:

1. Man vs Lion

2. Man vs Bear

3. Man vs Librarian

4. Man vs Woman on PMS

5. Man Vs Crackhead

6. Man Vs HIV

7. Man Vs French-Canadian

More importantly, let’s bring back gladiator sports. None of this “American Gladiator” shit where they swing on ropes and run up pyramids. I’m talking old school gladiators. Man (gender non specific reference) against man to the death. Maybe I’ll throw in there an extra person, maybe a net or two extra, but somebody is gonna die. Whether it is at the hands of the gladiator or at the hands of my soldiers, somebody is going to die. I know that may sound unfair and tough, but so be it. If you are facing one of my soldiers in a death match, then you must have been sentenced to die by a court.

And I’m a kind an merciful King, and that I would not throw lambs to the slaughter; I will provide all those condemned to die with not only counsel, but with MMA training. I will give you the best chance of survival possible. I hope that you, my people, do not think I am getting soft on criminals. I am not. You can count on that. Just know that as a fair and mighty King, I will give them not only legal counsel, but also a MMA trainer so they can die with honor in the ring.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Commonland Requirement: Gun & Snuggie

In The Bible, The Book of Revelation spends a lot of time talking about Armageddon. Specifically Revelation 9:16 refers to an army of 200 million men, and some religious rights have thought that this could possibly refer to China. Well, I hate to tell you, but just further proof that I might be the Anti-Christ, in my opinion, 200 million is child’s play. In Commonland, every citizen who is physically capable of serving in the military will do so. And by physically capable, I mean don’t think you can over eat, gain a lot of weight and not qualify for duty. My health insurance will cover gastric bypass, nutritionists, gymnasium and a personal trainer until you are fit for military service. But if you make me go through all of that just to get you in shape to serve, then I get to pick which branch and what your job is going to be. If you don’t make me, then I will do the best I can to make sure that you can choose your branch and your means of service. Also keep in mind, just because you WANT to do something, doesn’t mean you CAN do it.

I know as a child you were probably told you can do anything you want as long as you put your mind to it. I hate to be the one to tell you, but that’s bullshit. I WANT to be a supermodel but the reality is I CANNOT be one. Except as King, then I’ll be like Oprah, have my own magazine and only put myself on the cover. What does that mean to you as my loyal citizens? If you have bad vision, then you are not going to be a fighter pilot. If you have flat feet, then I’m not going to make you an infantry soldier, if you are 4’0”, then I’m not going to put you on the drill squad and if you are just barely above the AOFTT level (see previous post), then you are not going to be in a position of command. Now I know some of you may object to military service due to morale grounds for killing others, please understand that although I cannot fathom that problem, I will still find you a job. There is always a need for cooks and laundry personnel.

This may surprise some of you, but I DO NOT believe in the right to keep and bear arms. I DO NOT believe that owning a firearm should be an option. In fact, in Commonland, you do not have the right to bear arms, you have the OBLIGATION to bear arms. After you have completed your service in the military, you will be required to keep and maintain your firearm that you were issued during service. I have not yet decided on what will be standard issue for my soldiers, but rest assured it will be a reliable weapon with stopping power. At any given moment you may be required to re-qualify in the presence of a firearms instructor at a shooting range, and if you do not keep, maintain and qualify with your weapon, you will be fined and put on restriction.

Women in combat: For some reason this seems to be a controversial topic for some people. I have no idea why. I suppose just as much as I do not approve of affirmative action. I do not care what age, race and GENDER you are. The best person for the job gets the job. My current profession is in a traditionally male dominated profession. There are starting to be more and more women in it and I could not be happier. However, keep in mind, just like I stated earlier, just because you want, doesn’t mean you can. If you are a woman, and you are 4’11” and you want to be on the drill team that requires you to be 6’0” tall exactly, I’m not telling you no because you are a woman, I’m telling you no because you are 4’11”. To all my women citizens out there, you will apply, test and qualify with everybody else and everybody is on the same playing field. Because let’s be honest, whether you are the doctor cutting into my body, the accountant handling my taxes or the fighter pilot protecting my nation, I wasn’t the best person doing the job.

It is fully my intent that if we are attacked or need to call up reserves at any given moment, that every citizen in Commonland over the age of 18, not a felon and physically/mentally capable, be ready to defend Commonland on a moment’s notice. So if that makes me the Anti-Christ for wanting to have an army of 200 million, then so be it.

On a final note, and I apologize for leaving this until the end because it is near and dear to my heart, one other item that will be mandatory in all homes in Commonland, is the SNUGGIE. If you have not yet experienced the benefits and comfort of a snuggie, then you are missing out. If you are one of those men out there who are too insecure with yourself to own a snuggie, then get over it. Snuggies will be issued to everybody in my military and will be required to keep them and maintain them just like you do your weapon. Trust me when I tell you that it will be one of the many things in my Kingdom that you will appreciate once you just let the experience happen.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Beer.....It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Why does “The Man” feel that he can tell me when it’s okay to have a bad habit? Why is it not okay to buy alcohol between midnight and 6am Mon – Saturday and Midnight Saturday to noon on Sunday? What changes between those hours that make alcohol any more intoxicating, sex encouraging, black out enhancing, narcotic potentiating, fattening, karaoke inducing or addictive? I am a grown ass man and if I want to get off work at 0600 on a Sunday morning and I want to have a beer, I should be able to go to the Kwiki Mart and buy some beer. Las Vegas serves alcohol 24/7 and despite the wishes and prayers of the Religious Right, it has not exploded.

One of my rules as your King is to never identify a problem without also offering a solution. My solution is for any establishment with a valid liquor license to sell any alcohol any time of the day to any person 21 or older who does not already appear to be intoxicated. They do not even have to worry about looking at identification since everybody will be chipped and the chip will have their age on it. All stores with a valid liquor license must also have an instant breathalyzer that they may ask any person purchasing alcohol to do. If they so choose to have every single person do it every single time, then that is their policy and if you do not like it, you do not have to purchase your breakfast beer from them.

Another problem that I foresee arising is the increase in the number of cases of DUI’s. The legal blood alcohol level will be 0.08. As you will see in future postings I will be very tough on crime with a very low tolerance for repeat offenders. So there will be none of this bullshit about people having multiple DUI’s and still driving and not being incarcerated for life. If you are pulled over for suspected DUI, you will be given a breathalyzer. If you refuse, that is an automatic admission of guilt and you will be sentenced to 1 year hard labor and your car will be impounded and sold. After your first DUI offense, you will be required for life to have a breathalyzer installed in your car that will act as a kill switch. On your second offense, you will be sentenced to 10 years of hard labor. On your third offense, you will be executed. No appeals, no exceptions, no deals and no lawyer. If your blood alcohol level is 0.08 or above that is an automatic conviction. If you are involved in a Motor Vehicle Collision and if either EMS or PD suspects alcohol is involved, then the hospital will be REQUIRED to draw your blood and tested for alcohol. Same rules apply to the breathalyzer. If you are responsible for a collision and you are intoxicated you are automatically financially responsible for everybody involved. If somebody is killed in that collision, EVERYTHING you own is given to the family and you will be executed.

It’s very simple. I will not tell you when you can or can’t drink. Just drink responsibly.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

SSRI + Benzo + Viagra = Happieness

My staff brought to my attention today that somebody flew a plane into a building in Austin Texas. I was very saddened to hear about this event; however it reminded me of my last two postings: Taxes and Suicide.

Had I been your elected King this tragedy would have never occurred. Why? Because in My Kingdom there won’t be an IRS, just a Marijuana Tax, and if you want to commit suicide, then there will be centers for that.

More importantly what came to mind today is how I can keep this tragedy from happening again. It’s called “Prozac”. Many of you out there are probably thinking that you don’t need Prozac. That’s like saying you don’t need money. You can never be too rich or too beautiful. For that matter, you can never have too much SSRI’s in your system. My solution is I will have daily aerial sprayings of Prozac and Ativan (it’s a benzodiazepine, similar to Valium) over my entire country on a regular basis. That way if you feel as though you are wronged by my rulings, you won’t care!!!

Think of all the benefits. All my citizens will be happier, sleep better, drive slower and relax more. There are some minor risks of sexual dysfunction, SSRI’s (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, like Prozac) have been known to decrease libido. However, since healthcare will be universal, you can take all the Viagra you want, and it won’t cost you a dime. I don’t see any downside, and since I am King, my vote is the only one that matters.

The jackass today that flew his plane into the IRS building would either have had no desire to kill himself, or would have been able to do it in a controlled environment. He needlessly endangered innocent bystanders, and more importantly all the first responders to the scene (Police, Fire & EMS) would not have needed to put themselves in harm’s way for a psychopath. Think of all the important things your Emergency Service Personnel could have been doing. They could have been eating a donut (Police) taking a nap (EMS) or working out and then staring at themselves in the mirror (Fire). If you think you do not need the Prozac or Ativan, don’t worry, in about 4 to 6 weeks when your levels are up, you will either not care or you will thank me.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Adult Onset Failure To Thrive

I’ve been struggling with what ruling I should make on warning labels. Some warning labels are worthwhile. “Electric Fence”, “Radioactive”, “Too Stupid to Live”….. etc. However there are some warning labels/disclaimers that are just ridiculous that if you need one of them, you will officially be diagnosed with “A.O.F.T.T”

Some of you might be asking yourself what AOFTT is, that is very simple. It’s Adult Onset Failure To Thrive. In pediatrics, “failure to thrive” is defined as “This is a general diagnosis, with many possible causes. Common to all cases, though, is the failure to gain weight as expected, often accompanied by poor height growth.” I used to think I could apply the term “Failure to Thrive” to adults, but since the official diagnosis requires there to be failure to gain weight, and we have a massive obesity problem, then I have to modify the definition for Adults. I think we will need to create a new category of “Failure to Thrive” for adults. This will focus on people that are too stupid to live unassisted.

For instance: If you sue McDonalds because you burned your legs with “Hot Coffee” that was Hot, or you try to consume the tube of Hemorrhoid cream that is for “external use only”, or you think “cruise control”, means it will steer the car for you, t or MOST IMPORTANTLY you use FICTIONAL TV series as sources of valid information, then you have AOFTT.

There was an report on CNN.com that said “It turns out that popular medical dramas don't always portray medical treatment accurately.” Note to those with early symptoms of AOFTT, it says “Dramas”. When my wife decides to kill me, I truly hope that the people that investigate my death didn’t just hit the TiVO record button of an episode of CSI to figure out how she did it. Because I can rest (in peace) assured that she figured out how to kill me by watching A & E or the IQ channel crime shows.

If you are so gullible or simple that you can’t tell the difference between fiction and reality, then it’s time to refer back to the previous posting about suicide. If you are one of those people that are: depressed and suicidal because Pandora, the planet in Avatar does not exist, or you think that the pizza/pool guy is hung like a mule and wants to have sex with you, or there are real Klingons out there somewhere, or people call 911 when they have a real emergency, or the “Taco Bell” diet actually works, or the picture the people post on “match.com” is accurate, or that Las Vegas really cares about you and most importantly that “Size Doesn’t Matter”, then I officially diagnose you with AOFTT and it’s time to move on to the next life.

I promise to make your transition to the afterlife painless if you are diagnosed with AOFTT. I know this may seem a little extreme to some of you out there, but the greater good will far exceed the cost and resources required to take care of people who are too stupid to live!!

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

READ MY LIPS.........

Change takes desire. Improvement requires dedication. And progress costs MONEY. There are going to be a lot of Progressions in My Kingdom that are going to be very costly, such as universal healthcare and an impressive military presence. I want to reassure you now that I will not be raising income tax. In fact, there is a very high probability that income taxes will go down. I know that sounds like a politician blowing smoke up your ass, but I am NOT a politician, and although I am all for a little anal play, I think blowing smoke up one’s ass is just generally unhealthy.

So where am I going to get the funds without raising income taxes???? I have two words for you…… MARIJUANA. Okay, so maybe I can’t count. I’m going to be KING, not accountant of Commonland.

I don’t want to debate the issue of Marijuana. That’s one of the nice things about being King. You don’t debate, you simply decapitate. Just kidding, but seriously, I will have to decapitate some people at the beginning to get everybody on board with my ideas, but that will be discussed later.

I am a realist. Why spend BILLIONS of dollars on trying to stop people from smoking Marijuana when you can tax it and make TRILLIONS. Maybe I’m just a simpleton who never went to college (just seemed like too much busy work), but I play poker and it’s very simple: Negative Billions vs. Positive Trillions equals…. Well, I don’t know how many zeros that is, but I do know it’s a butt load.

Here’s my solution. The government will grow, regulate, distribute and tax the shit out of Marijuana. I am aware of the entrepreneurially spirit out there that says “I’ll grow my own, screw King Common”. This may surprise you, but I am totally okay with that. It’s what I will call “informed decision”. If you choose to grow, sell & distribute NON government approved Marijuana, then you need to be prepared for the consequences (which I will address in a moment). As King, I will be able to regulate the quantity and quality of the Marijuana inhaled & consumed (brownies) in My Kingdom. For all I care, we can even involve all the tree hugging hippies to create an “organic” Marijuana to make granola eating people happy.

With the availability of LEGAL Marijuana, there comes great responsibility. I will require my scientists to find a way to test not only the presence of Marijuana in the blood (only a small source for testing, like a finger poke), but the amount in the citizens system. My police officers will not only need to know if it is in the blood, but how much, and could it cause impairment. These test results will need to be available in a few minutes to officers on scene.

If you are found to be impaired due to the amount of Marijuana in your system, then you will be put into the system as an “abuser”. The information will be recorded onto your microchip (as previously discussed). If you are a registered abuser, then you will not be allowed to purchase any Marijuana for 6 months. If you are found to be in possession of “illegal” (non governmentally grown) Marijuana, then you are automatically be sentenced to 6 months hard labor (Hard Labor to be defined in future edicts). If you are found to be growing, processing or distribution of non governmentally grown Marijuana, you will be executed on the spot. I know that may sound extreme, but think about it. If you know you will be shot on the spot, you are far less likely to break the law and far more likely to play by the rules and just pay taxes. And keep in mind, the more taxes that are brought into the treasury, the more I can spend on improving the quality of life for all the citizens of Commonland.

If you are one of my loyal citizens that is a Marijuana user, then hopefully you will be happy with this declaration. If you are not a user, then hopefully you will be able to rest comfortably knowing that regulation and enforcement of production, sales and use are going to be very closely watched and regulate. And finally if you are a loyal citizen who doesn’t use and doesn’t care about those who use, then you are happy no matter what!!! Who says you cannot please all of the people all of the time.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

M.A.S.H.

I got a specific request from one of my future loyal subjects. He asked that I address the issue of Suicide and Assisted Suicide.

I would venture to say that the leading cause of suicide is Depression. I suppose there are the occasional spies that have to swallow cyanide pills to avoid the inevitable torture and subsequent murder at the hands of their enemies, the new guy in prison who doesn’t want to be married to and ass raped by Bubba, or those truly sick individuals that do it for love, but my guess is most are depressed.

According to MayClinic.com, “Depression is one of the most common health conditions in the world.” So if depression is a medical disorder, it should be treated as such. However like MANY other medical problems, it can be a terminal medical problem. Maybe for people with depression, suicide is just the final part of the disease process. Let’s start looking at it from a medical point of view. If somebody had cancer and they were told it was terminal and they chose to not go through chemotherapy and radiation and to die at home with dignity and with family, then most people think that is ok. But somebody with a major depressive disorder, a medical condition, chooses not to receive treatment and wants to finish their disease process with suicide, then all the bleeding hearts of the world want to step in and save them from themselves.

I hate to tell you, but you can’t have your cake and eat it too!!! As your King, I will not sit on my throne and tell you what disease process you can and cannot die from. If you are depressed and would like to kill yourself, then I have absolutely no problem with that. The only thing I ask is that you follow some simple steps prior to you finishing your disease process.

In order for your assisted suicide to be legal, you must meet the following criteria.

1. 1. Meet with a Physician and discuss your treatment options for whatever your reason is.

2. 2. If your Physician recommends that you see a specialist like a Psychiatrist, then you must follow up with him/her.

3. 3. Wait a minimum of 2 weeks. During that 2 weeks, you see a Physician/Psychiatrist 2 times per week.

Once you have met the above criteria, you can schedule your assisted suicide at an approved facility. Some of you out there might think that my rules for suicide are a little too relaxed. Well, the truth be told, if it keeps ONE person from committing “Suicide By Cop” then it is worth it. It’s hard enough to hire, train and retain good police officers, we don’t need them losing sleep at night because your dumb ass couldn’t pull the trigger yourself.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

I know I'm SEXY, but please stop humping my leg...

Of all the things that need to be addressed in my new society of decency and sanity, this may seem trivial to some of my people, but it is important. Those of you, my loyal servants that own cats, have known for years that you truly do not OWN cats, you are merely there to provide them with a nice cushy life for which they do not appreciate or give thanks.

I may not have spent enough time addressing what will be the “official” language of Commonland, but whatever it is, we need to teach it to Dogs in a very rapid and expedient manner. Dogs need to learn that they are there to keep you warm on cold nights, and bark at intruders that decide to ignore the ADT sign in the front yard. For some reason, dogs are starting to think that they are cats and are put on this earth to be served by humans. They need to learn that they are NOT cats and are NOT on this earth to be served by humans.

Apparently cats have already learned (without having to be taught the Commonland Language) that they are the dominant species on the planet and do not need to speak the language of the Commoners. Dogs on the other hand, still think they are here to be served and they do not realize it is the EXACT opposite.

So my solution to the problem is to teach all the dogs in My Kingdom the official language of The Commoners so that they understand their ranking in My Kingdom. That way when we say “stop pissing and shitting on the floor and I’ll let you stay inside the house tonight” they will understand what is expected of them and what they can expect of us. At least cats know that if they piss & shit in a box, they will be left alone to do what they want and go where they please. And they know that when they get SCARED TO DEATH by a piece of shit stuck on a hair sticking out of their butthole that we (as human beings, top of the food chain) will be there to pull the hair/shit out of their ass so they can go back to ignoring us and treating us like we are here to serve them.

And most importantly for all you tree hugging, hippy PETA members in My Kingdom, although I really LOVE my dog and would own a cat if my wife and kid weren’t allergic to them, keep in mind, PETA stands for “People Eating Tasty Animals” in My Kingdom.”

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common