Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do?

What seriously worries me as you King is that there are going to be members of my society out there that might disagree with me on this point. I will not tolerate criminals in My Kingdom. I will not make apologies for swiftly and justly punishing those that put the harmony of our society in peril.

I recently read an email that had pictures of a prison that could have easily been mistaken for a resort. How and When did that happen? There is a difference between treating a prisoner humanely and spoiling them with room service and facials (the spa kind, not the Shawshank Redemption kind). Prison should not be a place to get a break from life and have downtime to relax.

Effective immediately, if you are in prison, then you are going to be assigned hard labor. And unfortunately I know that for many of those incarcerated out there that “hard labor” means 6^th grade math, but I am talking about physical labor. There are holes that need to be dug, roads that need to be made, vegetables that need to be picked, toilets that need to be cleaned and bed pans that need to be emptied.

There are going to be other changes that need to be made to the current justice system, but besides the changes in our prisons for those already convicted, there are changes that need to be made to those that are about to be convicted.

If you run from the police, YOU ARE GUILTY. Why else would you be running? If you are not guilty of the infraction the officers think you are guilty of, then you must be guilty of something else, or you wouldn’t be running.

I will empower my police officers to dispatch punishment based on the infraction in the field. So you do not necessarily have to go to jail, but you must know that there are consequences for your actions. For instance:

1. If you run from the police, YOU WILL GET TASED!!! Even if you decide to give up at the end of the chase, the officers still get to Tase you. If you do not want to get Tased, then do not run.

2. If you steal a car, the police will give you the option of going to jail (hard labor) or getting a beating with their night sticks.

3. If you provide false information to the police, you will get Tased. Fortunately since everybody will be microchipped, you cannot hide your identity, but if you lie about anything, the officers get to Tase you on the spot.

4. If you assault a Police Officer, then you will be not only Tased, but also given the business end of a Night Stick. (I don’t care how many videos there are on the news about it)

These are a few of the MANY changes that will be made. What I want from the citizens of Commonland is to feel that they are safe. I know that I cannot eliminate all crime. In order to do that, I would have to eliminate every person in My Kingdom. There are always going to be people that choose to commit crimes, but hopefully they will think twice about their crimes when they are faced with the serious consequences of them.

Also, I know that many of you might be concerned with the flexibility and responsibility I am giving the police officers in My Kingdom. The saying of “Absolute power corrupts absolutely” could certainly apply. Stay tuned for my next posting about the requirements for becoming a police officer and more importantly the repercussions of abusing, misusing or failing to act as a police officer in My Kingdom. I will not lower the standards, but I will raise the expectations of those entrusted to protect the Citizens of Commonland. Also, I will address the crimes that will rightfully earn the death penalty in upcoming edicts.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Otis Campbell 2010

It’s almost unimaginable to believe that your King would look to a show as simple (and boring) as The Andy Griffith Show, but even a blind squirrel finds a nut from time to time. Although I disagree with a Sheriff who does not carry a weapon, they did manage to get one thing right: The Drunk Tank! When Otis Campbell drank too much, he would just go to the Mayberry Jail and sleep it off.

Somewhere between “Sheriff Andy Taylor” and “Sheriff Joe Arpaio”, the concept of the drunk tank went away. What took it’s place? What now fills that void? Where do we take our drunks? I’m sad to say, they end up in the EMERGENCY ROOM. Since when is being drunk an EMERGENCY???

Your King has been drunk many many times, but it has never been an emergency. Even when I was doing Karaoke at 0200 while butchering Poison’s “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn”, it may have been painful, but it wasn’t an emergency.

Effectively immediately, I will be bringing back the drunk tank. If the police department has to stop responding to legitimate crimes to take care of you because you are too drunk to function, then you are going to the drunk tank. And before you start with your bleeding heart “they need help”, “they are sick”, “they need to be monitored” rhetoric, let me address your concerns now.

1. Alcoholism is a disease: I am not arguing this point, however like ANY OTHER DISEASE, unless somebody seeks help, or more importantly wants help, then you cannot force treatment on them. You can force somebody to STOP drinking, but you cannot force them to QUIT drinking.

2. They could choke on their own vomit: I’m totally okay with that. If you don’t want to have to worry about choking on your own vomit, then don’t drink so much alcohol that somebody else has to take responsibility for you. We will do our best to monitor your position and breathing, but we are not your mommy.

More importantly than what will become of our drunks is how will we fund this venture. As you have hopefully noticed I am all about personal responsibility. If you end up in the drunk tank, you will be billed for the services rendered. How much will it cost? That’s easy $200 per visit. I think that is fair. The way I look at it is that it is a luxury. Think about it. First you get curbside service. Somebody will pick you up on whatever curb you passed out on. Second, you get a chauffeured ride. Granted, you are in the back of a police car, but somebody else is driving. You get a place to sleep in a safe environment. Ok, so maybe that place to sleep isn’t exactly a bed & breakfast, but you are being monitored and protected. That’s more than any Hilton will do for you, so I think $200/visit is a fair and reasonable expense. If you cannot afford to pay that amount, then you will be assigned hard labor. You will be paid an extremely fair rate of $10/hr, so 20hrs and you are free & clear until your next bender.

Lastly, the responsibility of transporting the drunks to the drunk tank will not fall on our highly trained police department. There will be patrols of Police Cadets 7 days a week driving around in vans for the sole purpose of taking people to the drunk tank. It’s good for them. It will help to teach them patience.

And for all of those ER Employees or EMS Personnel or Fire Department Personnel that are undoubtedly excited beyond imagination with this decree, you are welcome. And to all you drunks out there who feel you are entitled to drink until you pass out and then get a warm comfortable bed in an Emergency Room???? Two words for you….. DRUNK TANK.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

NO MORE TIVO OR DVR

A happy King is an efficient King. I realized last night that one of the things in this world that makes me unhappy is the fact that I no longer have the need to channel surf with my remote. It’s bad enough that as a Man, a “hunter/gather”, I no longer need to hunt or gather, unless gathering means I look at all the grocery ads for sales/coupons and go shopping for groceries, but now I don’t even get to use my remote control to control my TV by flipping through the channels to find a show to watch. I only have to push the “menu”, “guide”, “lineup” or any of the other buttons that show a channel guide. What’s even worse, with the ability to record shows, we are even more unlikely to watch live TV. It is not enough to only terminate the future production of TiVo, or similar Digital Recording Devices (DVR), but it is now ILLEGAL to possess, manufacture, distribute, remember, think about, reflect fondly upon, contemplate, pirate, or find any other loop hole to get around the ban of these recording devices. I know this may come as a shock to some of you out there, but I am doing this for the greater good. I am trying to make the men in Commonland MEN again. Back when a time when Men were Men and Women were proud of it!!! Back when you had to push the up/down button 300 times to find something you want to watch, and then forget what channel it’s on, so you get to push the buttons 300 times again. Think of how much power I am putting back into your lives. Trust me, you will thank me later.

I had another TV related edict I needed to impose, but since I am on the subject of TV, why not address them all in one statement. GOVERNMENT CONTROLLED TV. Don’t be frightened. I have absolutely no intention of controlling the news. I believe the news should be unbiased and truthful, whether it is good, bad or ugly. What I am planning on controlling is STUPID TV. I just gave you the primal power to control you TV with channel surfing, you should not be burdened with stupid ass shows that are on TV. You may asking your Merciful and Benevolent King right now, “Your Highness, what shows are you referring to”. Well, my citizens, that is very simple. Shows that are ridiculously stupid and serve no greater good are effectively banned. The show that sparked the outrage of your king is “Life After People” on the Discovery Channel TV. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. There are people out there that actually spent time and money on a TV show about what life will be like on planet Earth after ALL HUMANITY IS GONE. That’s like doing a TV show on what happens to a tube sock after I blow my load while looking at internet porn and throw it in the washing machine. HOW DOES THIS HELP MANKIND???? If it is happening after man no longer inhabits the planet, then how can knowing what you THINK will take place matter to me while I am inhabiting the planet? Instead of spending your time guessing as to what will happen after we’re gone, why don’t we look at what is wrong now, and what we can fix before we disappear. Also any show that “predicts” the future is gone. Any show that is dedicated to things like “The Bible Code” or Nostradamus are GONE. If you are telling me that the only reason you realized somebody predicted something was that you noticed it AFTER it happened, the you are crazier than I am, and that’s hard to do. If I write down in plain English that “It Will Rain On A Day Of The Week That Ends With Y” and then next week on a Monday it rains, that doesn’t make me a prophet. If you tell me that you looked at a book and you noticed that events that have ALREADY HAPPENED mysteriously line up crossword style in that book, then you’ve got problems. Until you can tell me what is GOING TO HAPPEN, as opposed to what has already happened, then I don’t want to hear it.

There are other shows that will have to be cancelled as well, namely any and all of the shows that have “Real Housewives” in the title. It’s hard enough to get regular housewives and their mom & pop livelihood to be content, but to add shows based on stuck up rich bitches to the lineup only weakens our god given right to be miserably content in our families. Don’t get me wrong, I am not opposed to “Reality” TV (who knows how real they are), I LOVE “Survivor”. What a great show. It tells you how to lose weight. All you have to do is cut your food intake and increase your physical output, and you will lose weight. Even though your King, who is a foodaholic who had to have a surgeon make his stomach the size of a salt shaker in order for him to lose weight, (I love going back and forth from 1^st to 4^th person in my writing), it is refreshing to see a TV show who pretends to show people “surviving” in an environment that human beings have been THRIVING in for centuries just to show those of us portly folks how to lose weight.

What will and will not be shown (other than news) will be evaluated by your King for content and usefulness. I give you my word and solemn promise that you will not be burdened unnecessary and useless TV that only takes up airways that can be used by more productive and far more entertaining TV.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

You Call That An Olympic Athlete?

It has recently come to my attention that Softball was recently eliminated from the Olympics. You call yourselves Olympians and you excluded softball? You cannot possibly have the nerve to tell me that Badminton and Table Tennis are Olympic sports, but softball is not? Did the Summer Olympians suddenly start having an allergic reaction to sweating? Don’t get me wrong. I never claimed to be an athlete. I’ve always been more of a “math-lete”. However, if you are going to call yourself an Athlete, then you need to be prepared to sweat. Those girls that play fast pitched softball are true athletes.

So what is my solution as your king? The Olympics will be what they were designed to be, a true test of a persons’ skill, one on one. Effective as of my first day as your Kingness, the Olympic Games will no longer be a test of skill, but will be also be a matter of life and death. Here are what my Olympic games will be:

Summer Olympics:

1. Swimming – There will be sharks in the pool. That oughta up the times.

2. Basketball – The basketballs have tiny spikes on them.

3. Football (aka Soccer) – Well let’s be honest, put in real USA Football.

4. Volleyball – The game is played on Concrete in the middle of Harlem (let’s see them white folk show up to watch that game)

5. Gymnastics – The mat will be uneven and over a pit of liquid hot magma.

6. Tennis – The ball explodes randomly. Makes for a quicker game.

7. Badminton – Well, there’s nothing I can do to toughen that one up. It’s gotta go.

8. Table Tennis - Please see Badminton rule.

9. Weight Lifting – Both legs spread over a shovel full of hot coals, just like the Coyote always had to do it.

10. Fencing – exchange swords for flaming hot fire pokers.

11. Boxing – Gloves wrapped in double stick tape dipped in glass shards.

Winter Olympics:

1. Ski Jumping – Ghetto homeboys on the side shooting their AK-47s at you as you pass.

2. Cr0ss Country Skiing – Two words for you “Land Mine”.

3. Ice Hockey – If it ain’t broken, fix it!!!

4. Speed Skating – Chased by Freddy Krueger (and he’s good).

5. Curling – Who the fuck knows. I would have to understand the game before I can rule on it.

6. Bobsled – Unless you are a drug smuggler, there’s no reason to go that fast in that small of a craft.

7. Snowboard - When you need a place to hang your gold medals, there’s always a coat rack at the McDonalds.

8. Figure Skating – Apparently we need to work on our definition of “sport”.

9. Freestyle Skiing – You have to drink a 6 pack of beer before going down.

10. Snow Boarding – Since all your tricks look the same to me, and the King is never wrong, then it’s always going to be a tie for everybody that finishes the course without falling.

11. Biathlon – That’s easy, in my Kingdom that involves smoking marijuana, and staying awake the longest.

12. Speed Skating - Are you being chased by border patrol? Then why are you hauling ass?

13. Speed Skating – All versions, no matter how many meters. You are required to keep one hand on the ice at all times. Fingers are fair game all the other skaters.

Although there are thos are the “traditional” Olympic sports. Let me add some of the Kings’ Sport:

1. Man vs Lion

2. Man vs Bear

3. Man vs Librarian

4. Man vs Woman on PMS

5. Man Vs Crackhead

6. Man Vs HIV

7. Man Vs French-Canadian

More importantly, let’s bring back gladiator sports. None of this “American Gladiator” shit where they swing on ropes and run up pyramids. I’m talking old school gladiators. Man (gender non specific reference) against man to the death. Maybe I’ll throw in there an extra person, maybe a net or two extra, but somebody is gonna die. Whether it is at the hands of the gladiator or at the hands of my soldiers, somebody is going to die. I know that may sound unfair and tough, but so be it. If you are facing one of my soldiers in a death match, then you must have been sentenced to die by a court.

And I’m a kind an merciful King, and that I would not throw lambs to the slaughter; I will provide all those condemned to die with not only counsel, but with MMA training. I will give you the best chance of survival possible. I hope that you, my people, do not think I am getting soft on criminals. I am not. You can count on that. Just know that as a fair and mighty King, I will give them not only legal counsel, but also a MMA trainer so they can die with honor in the ring.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Commonland Requirement: Gun & Snuggie

In The Bible, The Book of Revelation spends a lot of time talking about Armageddon. Specifically Revelation 9:16 refers to an army of 200 million men, and some religious rights have thought that this could possibly refer to China. Well, I hate to tell you, but just further proof that I might be the Anti-Christ, in my opinion, 200 million is child’s play. In Commonland, every citizen who is physically capable of serving in the military will do so. And by physically capable, I mean don’t think you can over eat, gain a lot of weight and not qualify for duty. My health insurance will cover gastric bypass, nutritionists, gymnasium and a personal trainer until you are fit for military service. But if you make me go through all of that just to get you in shape to serve, then I get to pick which branch and what your job is going to be. If you don’t make me, then I will do the best I can to make sure that you can choose your branch and your means of service. Also keep in mind, just because you WANT to do something, doesn’t mean you CAN do it.

I know as a child you were probably told you can do anything you want as long as you put your mind to it. I hate to be the one to tell you, but that’s bullshit. I WANT to be a supermodel but the reality is I CANNOT be one. Except as King, then I’ll be like Oprah, have my own magazine and only put myself on the cover. What does that mean to you as my loyal citizens? If you have bad vision, then you are not going to be a fighter pilot. If you have flat feet, then I’m not going to make you an infantry soldier, if you are 4’0”, then I’m not going to put you on the drill squad and if you are just barely above the AOFTT level (see previous post), then you are not going to be in a position of command. Now I know some of you may object to military service due to morale grounds for killing others, please understand that although I cannot fathom that problem, I will still find you a job. There is always a need for cooks and laundry personnel.

This may surprise some of you, but I DO NOT believe in the right to keep and bear arms. I DO NOT believe that owning a firearm should be an option. In fact, in Commonland, you do not have the right to bear arms, you have the OBLIGATION to bear arms. After you have completed your service in the military, you will be required to keep and maintain your firearm that you were issued during service. I have not yet decided on what will be standard issue for my soldiers, but rest assured it will be a reliable weapon with stopping power. At any given moment you may be required to re-qualify in the presence of a firearms instructor at a shooting range, and if you do not keep, maintain and qualify with your weapon, you will be fined and put on restriction.

Women in combat: For some reason this seems to be a controversial topic for some people. I have no idea why. I suppose just as much as I do not approve of affirmative action. I do not care what age, race and GENDER you are. The best person for the job gets the job. My current profession is in a traditionally male dominated profession. There are starting to be more and more women in it and I could not be happier. However, keep in mind, just like I stated earlier, just because you want, doesn’t mean you can. If you are a woman, and you are 4’11” and you want to be on the drill team that requires you to be 6’0” tall exactly, I’m not telling you no because you are a woman, I’m telling you no because you are 4’11”. To all my women citizens out there, you will apply, test and qualify with everybody else and everybody is on the same playing field. Because let’s be honest, whether you are the doctor cutting into my body, the accountant handling my taxes or the fighter pilot protecting my nation, I wasn’t the best person doing the job.

It is fully my intent that if we are attacked or need to call up reserves at any given moment, that every citizen in Commonland over the age of 18, not a felon and physically/mentally capable, be ready to defend Commonland on a moment’s notice. So if that makes me the Anti-Christ for wanting to have an army of 200 million, then so be it.

On a final note, and I apologize for leaving this until the end because it is near and dear to my heart, one other item that will be mandatory in all homes in Commonland, is the SNUGGIE. If you have not yet experienced the benefits and comfort of a snuggie, then you are missing out. If you are one of those men out there who are too insecure with yourself to own a snuggie, then get over it. Snuggies will be issued to everybody in my military and will be required to keep them and maintain them just like you do your weapon. Trust me when I tell you that it will be one of the many things in my Kingdom that you will appreciate once you just let the experience happen.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Beer.....It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Why does “The Man” feel that he can tell me when it’s okay to have a bad habit? Why is it not okay to buy alcohol between midnight and 6am Mon – Saturday and Midnight Saturday to noon on Sunday? What changes between those hours that make alcohol any more intoxicating, sex encouraging, black out enhancing, narcotic potentiating, fattening, karaoke inducing or addictive? I am a grown ass man and if I want to get off work at 0600 on a Sunday morning and I want to have a beer, I should be able to go to the Kwiki Mart and buy some beer. Las Vegas serves alcohol 24/7 and despite the wishes and prayers of the Religious Right, it has not exploded.

One of my rules as your King is to never identify a problem without also offering a solution. My solution is for any establishment with a valid liquor license to sell any alcohol any time of the day to any person 21 or older who does not already appear to be intoxicated. They do not even have to worry about looking at identification since everybody will be chipped and the chip will have their age on it. All stores with a valid liquor license must also have an instant breathalyzer that they may ask any person purchasing alcohol to do. If they so choose to have every single person do it every single time, then that is their policy and if you do not like it, you do not have to purchase your breakfast beer from them.

Another problem that I foresee arising is the increase in the number of cases of DUI’s. The legal blood alcohol level will be 0.08. As you will see in future postings I will be very tough on crime with a very low tolerance for repeat offenders. So there will be none of this bullshit about people having multiple DUI’s and still driving and not being incarcerated for life. If you are pulled over for suspected DUI, you will be given a breathalyzer. If you refuse, that is an automatic admission of guilt and you will be sentenced to 1 year hard labor and your car will be impounded and sold. After your first DUI offense, you will be required for life to have a breathalyzer installed in your car that will act as a kill switch. On your second offense, you will be sentenced to 10 years of hard labor. On your third offense, you will be executed. No appeals, no exceptions, no deals and no lawyer. If your blood alcohol level is 0.08 or above that is an automatic conviction. If you are involved in a Motor Vehicle Collision and if either EMS or PD suspects alcohol is involved, then the hospital will be REQUIRED to draw your blood and tested for alcohol. Same rules apply to the breathalyzer. If you are responsible for a collision and you are intoxicated you are automatically financially responsible for everybody involved. If somebody is killed in that collision, EVERYTHING you own is given to the family and you will be executed.

It’s very simple. I will not tell you when you can or can’t drink. Just drink responsibly.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

SSRI + Benzo + Viagra = Happieness

My staff brought to my attention today that somebody flew a plane into a building in Austin Texas. I was very saddened to hear about this event; however it reminded me of my last two postings: Taxes and Suicide.

Had I been your elected King this tragedy would have never occurred. Why? Because in My Kingdom there won’t be an IRS, just a Marijuana Tax, and if you want to commit suicide, then there will be centers for that.

More importantly what came to mind today is how I can keep this tragedy from happening again. It’s called “Prozac”. Many of you out there are probably thinking that you don’t need Prozac. That’s like saying you don’t need money. You can never be too rich or too beautiful. For that matter, you can never have too much SSRI’s in your system. My solution is I will have daily aerial sprayings of Prozac and Ativan (it’s a benzodiazepine, similar to Valium) over my entire country on a regular basis. That way if you feel as though you are wronged by my rulings, you won’t care!!!

Think of all the benefits. All my citizens will be happier, sleep better, drive slower and relax more. There are some minor risks of sexual dysfunction, SSRI’s (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, like Prozac) have been known to decrease libido. However, since healthcare will be universal, you can take all the Viagra you want, and it won’t cost you a dime. I don’t see any downside, and since I am King, my vote is the only one that matters.

The jackass today that flew his plane into the IRS building would either have had no desire to kill himself, or would have been able to do it in a controlled environment. He needlessly endangered innocent bystanders, and more importantly all the first responders to the scene (Police, Fire & EMS) would not have needed to put themselves in harm’s way for a psychopath. Think of all the important things your Emergency Service Personnel could have been doing. They could have been eating a donut (Police) taking a nap (EMS) or working out and then staring at themselves in the mirror (Fire). If you think you do not need the Prozac or Ativan, don’t worry, in about 4 to 6 weeks when your levels are up, you will either not care or you will thank me.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Adult Onset Failure To Thrive

I’ve been struggling with what ruling I should make on warning labels. Some warning labels are worthwhile. “Electric Fence”, “Radioactive”, “Too Stupid to Live”….. etc. However there are some warning labels/disclaimers that are just ridiculous that if you need one of them, you will officially be diagnosed with “A.O.F.T.T”

Some of you might be asking yourself what AOFTT is, that is very simple. It’s Adult Onset Failure To Thrive. In pediatrics, “failure to thrive” is defined as “This is a general diagnosis, with many possible causes. Common to all cases, though, is the failure to gain weight as expected, often accompanied by poor height growth.” I used to think I could apply the term “Failure to Thrive” to adults, but since the official diagnosis requires there to be failure to gain weight, and we have a massive obesity problem, then I have to modify the definition for Adults. I think we will need to create a new category of “Failure to Thrive” for adults. This will focus on people that are too stupid to live unassisted.

For instance: If you sue McDonalds because you burned your legs with “Hot Coffee” that was Hot, or you try to consume the tube of Hemorrhoid cream that is for “external use only”, or you think “cruise control”, means it will steer the car for you, t or MOST IMPORTANTLY you use FICTIONAL TV series as sources of valid information, then you have AOFTT.

There was an report on CNN.com that said “It turns out that popular medical dramas don't always portray medical treatment accurately.” Note to those with early symptoms of AOFTT, it says “Dramas”. When my wife decides to kill me, I truly hope that the people that investigate my death didn’t just hit the TiVO record button of an episode of CSI to figure out how she did it. Because I can rest (in peace) assured that she figured out how to kill me by watching A & E or the IQ channel crime shows.

If you are so gullible or simple that you can’t tell the difference between fiction and reality, then it’s time to refer back to the previous posting about suicide. If you are one of those people that are: depressed and suicidal because Pandora, the planet in Avatar does not exist, or you think that the pizza/pool guy is hung like a mule and wants to have sex with you, or there are real Klingons out there somewhere, or people call 911 when they have a real emergency, or the “Taco Bell” diet actually works, or the picture the people post on “match.com” is accurate, or that Las Vegas really cares about you and most importantly that “Size Doesn’t Matter”, then I officially diagnose you with AOFTT and it’s time to move on to the next life.

I promise to make your transition to the afterlife painless if you are diagnosed with AOFTT. I know this may seem a little extreme to some of you out there, but the greater good will far exceed the cost and resources required to take care of people who are too stupid to live!!

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

READ MY LIPS.........

Change takes desire. Improvement requires dedication. And progress costs MONEY. There are going to be a lot of Progressions in My Kingdom that are going to be very costly, such as universal healthcare and an impressive military presence. I want to reassure you now that I will not be raising income tax. In fact, there is a very high probability that income taxes will go down. I know that sounds like a politician blowing smoke up your ass, but I am NOT a politician, and although I am all for a little anal play, I think blowing smoke up one’s ass is just generally unhealthy.

So where am I going to get the funds without raising income taxes???? I have two words for you…… MARIJUANA. Okay, so maybe I can’t count. I’m going to be KING, not accountant of Commonland.

I don’t want to debate the issue of Marijuana. That’s one of the nice things about being King. You don’t debate, you simply decapitate. Just kidding, but seriously, I will have to decapitate some people at the beginning to get everybody on board with my ideas, but that will be discussed later.

I am a realist. Why spend BILLIONS of dollars on trying to stop people from smoking Marijuana when you can tax it and make TRILLIONS. Maybe I’m just a simpleton who never went to college (just seemed like too much busy work), but I play poker and it’s very simple: Negative Billions vs. Positive Trillions equals…. Well, I don’t know how many zeros that is, but I do know it’s a butt load.

Here’s my solution. The government will grow, regulate, distribute and tax the shit out of Marijuana. I am aware of the entrepreneurially spirit out there that says “I’ll grow my own, screw King Common”. This may surprise you, but I am totally okay with that. It’s what I will call “informed decision”. If you choose to grow, sell & distribute NON government approved Marijuana, then you need to be prepared for the consequences (which I will address in a moment). As King, I will be able to regulate the quantity and quality of the Marijuana inhaled & consumed (brownies) in My Kingdom. For all I care, we can even involve all the tree hugging hippies to create an “organic” Marijuana to make granola eating people happy.

With the availability of LEGAL Marijuana, there comes great responsibility. I will require my scientists to find a way to test not only the presence of Marijuana in the blood (only a small source for testing, like a finger poke), but the amount in the citizens system. My police officers will not only need to know if it is in the blood, but how much, and could it cause impairment. These test results will need to be available in a few minutes to officers on scene.

If you are found to be impaired due to the amount of Marijuana in your system, then you will be put into the system as an “abuser”. The information will be recorded onto your microchip (as previously discussed). If you are a registered abuser, then you will not be allowed to purchase any Marijuana for 6 months. If you are found to be in possession of “illegal” (non governmentally grown) Marijuana, then you are automatically be sentenced to 6 months hard labor (Hard Labor to be defined in future edicts). If you are found to be growing, processing or distribution of non governmentally grown Marijuana, you will be executed on the spot. I know that may sound extreme, but think about it. If you know you will be shot on the spot, you are far less likely to break the law and far more likely to play by the rules and just pay taxes. And keep in mind, the more taxes that are brought into the treasury, the more I can spend on improving the quality of life for all the citizens of Commonland.

If you are one of my loyal citizens that is a Marijuana user, then hopefully you will be happy with this declaration. If you are not a user, then hopefully you will be able to rest comfortably knowing that regulation and enforcement of production, sales and use are going to be very closely watched and regulate. And finally if you are a loyal citizen who doesn’t use and doesn’t care about those who use, then you are happy no matter what!!! Who says you cannot please all of the people all of the time.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

M.A.S.H.

I got a specific request from one of my future loyal subjects. He asked that I address the issue of Suicide and Assisted Suicide.

I would venture to say that the leading cause of suicide is Depression. I suppose there are the occasional spies that have to swallow cyanide pills to avoid the inevitable torture and subsequent murder at the hands of their enemies, the new guy in prison who doesn’t want to be married to and ass raped by Bubba, or those truly sick individuals that do it for love, but my guess is most are depressed.

According to MayClinic.com, “Depression is one of the most common health conditions in the world.” So if depression is a medical disorder, it should be treated as such. However like MANY other medical problems, it can be a terminal medical problem. Maybe for people with depression, suicide is just the final part of the disease process. Let’s start looking at it from a medical point of view. If somebody had cancer and they were told it was terminal and they chose to not go through chemotherapy and radiation and to die at home with dignity and with family, then most people think that is ok. But somebody with a major depressive disorder, a medical condition, chooses not to receive treatment and wants to finish their disease process with suicide, then all the bleeding hearts of the world want to step in and save them from themselves.

I hate to tell you, but you can’t have your cake and eat it too!!! As your King, I will not sit on my throne and tell you what disease process you can and cannot die from. If you are depressed and would like to kill yourself, then I have absolutely no problem with that. The only thing I ask is that you follow some simple steps prior to you finishing your disease process.

In order for your assisted suicide to be legal, you must meet the following criteria.

1. 1. Meet with a Physician and discuss your treatment options for whatever your reason is.

2. 2. If your Physician recommends that you see a specialist like a Psychiatrist, then you must follow up with him/her.

3. 3. Wait a minimum of 2 weeks. During that 2 weeks, you see a Physician/Psychiatrist 2 times per week.

Once you have met the above criteria, you can schedule your assisted suicide at an approved facility. Some of you out there might think that my rules for suicide are a little too relaxed. Well, the truth be told, if it keeps ONE person from committing “Suicide By Cop” then it is worth it. It’s hard enough to hire, train and retain good police officers, we don’t need them losing sleep at night because your dumb ass couldn’t pull the trigger yourself.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

I know I'm SEXY, but please stop humping my leg...

Of all the things that need to be addressed in my new society of decency and sanity, this may seem trivial to some of my people, but it is important. Those of you, my loyal servants that own cats, have known for years that you truly do not OWN cats, you are merely there to provide them with a nice cushy life for which they do not appreciate or give thanks.

I may not have spent enough time addressing what will be the “official” language of Commonland, but whatever it is, we need to teach it to Dogs in a very rapid and expedient manner. Dogs need to learn that they are there to keep you warm on cold nights, and bark at intruders that decide to ignore the ADT sign in the front yard. For some reason, dogs are starting to think that they are cats and are put on this earth to be served by humans. They need to learn that they are NOT cats and are NOT on this earth to be served by humans.

Apparently cats have already learned (without having to be taught the Commonland Language) that they are the dominant species on the planet and do not need to speak the language of the Commoners. Dogs on the other hand, still think they are here to be served and they do not realize it is the EXACT opposite.

So my solution to the problem is to teach all the dogs in My Kingdom the official language of The Commoners so that they understand their ranking in My Kingdom. That way when we say “stop pissing and shitting on the floor and I’ll let you stay inside the house tonight” they will understand what is expected of them and what they can expect of us. At least cats know that if they piss & shit in a box, they will be left alone to do what they want and go where they please. And they know that when they get SCARED TO DEATH by a piece of shit stuck on a hair sticking out of their butthole that we (as human beings, top of the food chain) will be there to pull the hair/shit out of their ass so they can go back to ignoring us and treating us like we are here to serve them.

And most importantly for all you tree hugging, hippy PETA members in My Kingdom, although I really LOVE my dog and would own a cat if my wife and kid weren’t allergic to them, keep in mind, PETA stands for “People Eating Tasty Animals” in My Kingdom.”

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Keep the dress...... call it a souvenir. I can always make more!!!

Hopefully you picked up on the topic of this posting from the title. If you didn’t, then do me a favor, make sure when you cut your wrists you go the length of the forearm, not across the wrists!!

Ok. So I don’t know if I told you all or not, but I am married, but that by no stretch of the imagination means I’m NOT going to play the field while serving as your king. Maybe you don’t fully understand the meaning of the word “king”, but one of the implications is that I AM GOING TO GET BLOWJOBS! I mean seriously, can you think of a better pick up line that "Hey, I'm THE KING". I don’t want any of this secretive “I got a blowjob from an intern” bullshit. Let’s be honest, what do you really think happens with ANY position of power?

Now that’s out in the open. Let’s discuss what you can expect. First and foremost, I do not hold myself to a higher standard than I hold My Queen. If she wants to get eaten out or have sex with her bathers, then GOD BLESS HER. I fully intend to have sex with my bathers, why should I expect less of her?!?!?!

Anytime something stressful presents itself to me, I fully intend on getting a blowjob before making a decision. Always better to make important decisions without the baby batter on the brain. What that means to you all as citizens of Commonland, is that ANYTIME you see me on TV doing a “State Of The Kingdom Address” you can rest assured that I just got a sweet blowjob that may or may not have included a pinkie in the asshole. If we have to go to war…… I just got a blowjob. If unemployment is rising I just got a blowjob….. If we need to balance the budget I just got a blowjob…. If some dumb ass made the mistake of attacking My Kingdom….. I just got a blowjob etc etc etc.

And for all of you womens out there that think you can blackmail me with “The Dress”???????? I’ll make you a deal. Before I make any “Major Decision”, I promise to make a new dress!!! In fact, I promise as your king to put a new “King Christened Dress” on EBay every single week. Hell, if it’s a good week, I promise to put 2 or 3 on there.

So for all of you out there that might be offended by my openness with the fact that I like Blowjobs, I would like to say “I apologize”, but that wouldn’t be very royal of me now would it!!!

For once you have a leader that is honest. I hope you appreciate the honesty for a change.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew today.

I would like to take this opportunity to either guarantee your vote, or completely alienate you as a potential voter. The truth be told, if I alienate you on this one, you would probably be miserable in Commonland and even if this wasn’t a deal breaker for you, something later on the line would be. So let’s get into it.

As previously stated, “In order to qualify for marriage, both participants must be willing, over the age of 21, sober, blood tested and most importantly have different skin color.” I hope the more astute readers noticed that I did not say between a man and woman, but “participants”. So yes, I will officially say it. I am FOR SAME SEX MARRIAGE. Just as much as I am in favor of drunken one night stands, tattoos, body piercing, high fiber diets, tetanus shots, carrying a concealed weapon, birth control, abstinence, abortion, religion, high fat diets, internet porn, group masturbation, chewing on your fingernails, mixed martial arts, and riding a motorcycle without a helmet. They all make sense to some people and are all equally stupid to other people.

If you are gay or lesbian and you choose to marry, you should suffer the same consequences and gain the same tax benefits as the rest of us heterosexual marrying folks. Now to appease some of you conservatives, I plan on banning Gay/Lesbian/Transgendered parades. I don’t remember the last “straight & proud of it parade”. Be what you want to be, but you don’t need to wear a rainbow t-shirt while walking down the road with assless chaps on telling people how different you are.

While I’m on the subject of the “alternative lifestyle” (if there is such a thing), if you are gay, lesbian or transgendered, and you would like to serve in my Military, then GOD BLESS YOU FOR SERVING YOUR KINGDOM! If you are not one of the above and do not feel comfortable enough with yourself to serve with one of the people listed above, then I don’t want you anyway cause you are too scared to serve the greater good.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

APL - Automatic People Locator

Here’s where all the Religious Right start renouncing me as the Anti-Christ. And here’s where I tell them that I DON’T CARE!!!!

There are enough unknowns in this world (why is the sky blue, how did the Cardinals make it to the post season 2 years in a row, etc) without having to wonder who or where somebody is. There are certain sacrifices that have to be made for the safety and security for all the Commoners in Commonland.

My solution is to instate a mandatory APL (Automatic People Locator). This will be a microchip surgically implanted somewhere in the body, that doesn’t require gratuitous nudity to access (probably the hand or forearm), that will not only identify who the person is, but medical history, criminal history, emergency contact and also where they are at or where they have been anywhere within the kingdom. As previously stated, if you don’t want to work for the greater good, please feel free to get a one way ticket to anywhere in the world form the treasury. It’s not like we are going to be watching everything you are doing or even keeping track of the places you go. It’s kind of like the internet. “The Man” doesn’t keep track of where you’ve been on the internet unless you have been somewhere you are not supposed to be.

It is very important that you remember this decree as I will be referring to it frequently in upcoming postings. There are just so many problems that can be resolved by knowing where and who did what & when.

As with previous posts, please keep in mind that this is just a small piece of a much larger whole. You have to see the complete work in order to appreciate the artist.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Kill Whitie

I know the title doesn’t help much; hopefully it will all make sense shortly. Hopefully my last post gave you some insight into my general distain for people who are so busy worrying about where they came from and what they look like that they cannot focus on where they are going. If a commoner cannot focus on where they are going, they are going to be even more useless to the rest of their kinsmen in Commonland.

Every day I read something in the paper where one group of people gets offended by something somebody said or did because of the color of their skin. Of all the things in this world to hate somebody for, the color of their skin has got to be the most ridiculous of them all. There are so many really good reasons to hate people: Stupid People, Pedophiles, Murderers, and Politicians, just to name a few.

Since I am a very simple man, I realize that you cannot change people’s prejudices. Instead of trying to change the way people think, I have decided the simplest way to fix that problem is to ban marriages of people who are the same skin color. You notice I did not say same “ethnicity” or “race”, because don’t forget we are all human beings and more importantly, we are all Commoners. Of course I will not break up couples who are currently married, that would not be right. But all marriages after my coronation will have to be Ministry of Marriage approved. In order to qualify for marriage, both participants must be willing, over the age of 21, sober, blood tested and most importantly have different skin color. The way I see it, after a few generations we will all have the same skin color and people can get over themselves and focus on hating people for legitimate reasons. I know this change might sound a little extreme, but it is all for the good of The Kingdom of Commonland.

Please check back in every few days for further updates on changes you can expect. If you have not already done so, please join my followers (I promise that nobody will be asked to drink the Kool-Aid), and tell your friends about my plans. Take care of yourselves and other.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Tuesday January 19, 2010

Now that we've established that it is impossible for the King to have more badder grammar, let's get down to the heart of how my Kingdom is going to run.

I will not tolerate people identifying themselves as any other nationality other than citizens of My Kingdom. As citizens of My Kingdom, we are all "Commoners". None of us are going to be called "American-Commoners", or "African-American Commoners", or "Native-American Commoners", or "Asian-American Commoners" etc etc etc etc etc. If it is so important for you to be associated with the country you "ancestors" came from, then the treasury will be more than happy to give you a one way ticket back to your "home country" and you will NOT be permitted back into the greatest Kingdom in the history of the world. If you are born in My Kingdom, you are a "Commoner". If you choose to immigrate to My Kingdom, then you are a "Commoner". If you don't want to be a "Commoner", then the treasury will be more than happy to buy you a one way ticket to the country of your choice.

Now doesn't that feel better knowing we are all "Commoners"? We are going to be one people united for one common goal and we will all prosper because of it. Trust me!!!

Stay tuned for upcoming posts on how I plan to make My Kingdom where truly all men (please see above definition of men) are created equal!

Your Supreme Ruler


King Common

January 18, 2010

The first thing we will need to discuss in My Kingdom is I am instituting the rule of "King's English". Basically what the King says, must be grammatically correct. If I send out a declaration and there APPEARS to be a spelling error, then you are reading it wrong as it is impossible for The King to make a spelling error. For instance if I say "More Better", then whatever I am referring to MUST be better than better, so it is more better. So from now on what the King speaks, is "King's English" and will be considered law. This should help clear up any confusion in future postings.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common

Ok. It's now officially official. I am announcing my candidacy for King. I am just a common man like most or hopefully all of you (by "man" I am identifying myself as that of the male species, but also use the term generically to identify all people of all races, genders, gender questionable, gender in transition or gender unknown) reading this (hence the name "King Common"). I'm just a lowly non-politically affiliated, highly opinionated, over paid, under worked meat & potato eating American (for now, until my kingdom becomes official), who is ready for a change. I'm not edumacated or politically correct enough to run for President, so my only hope to change the world for the better is to become King.

As this is my first post, I think I will let you know a little about me so you can make a rational decision as to why you should vote me for King.

My philosophy is very simple. Stop compromising what is right for what is convenient. Take the emotion and "morality" out of ruling, and start weighing the benefits of the entire kingdom as opposed to the rights and freedoms of one person. Now, I know some of you might be thinking "communism", you are 100% incorrect. I am ALL of the "ism's" put together. My only goal is that my Kingdom and all of my inhabitants thrive and live life to the fullest. I am not against individuals profiting and succeeding in life. I think if you work hard, or are the "best" at what you do, then you should be rewarded. But I also expect EVERYBODY in my kingdom to pull their own weight (as long as they are capable).

Some of you may see my postings and say "He's the Anti-Christ". I'm 100% OK with that. I know that may sound odd, but hopefully by me saying it's OK to call me the Anti-Christ then the "religious right" will acknowledge that I am not him. I guess the way I look at it, either I'll bring about the apocalypse/rapture/Armageddon and the world will end, or I'll create a better place for all of us. Either way, it's a win-win-situation.

The other thing that I can see people thinking is that I'm an egomaniac who thinks he is a god who should rule all the little people. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I have a very low self opinion of myself, I don't like what I see in the mirror and I take anti-depressants. But what I do think I can do is rule fairly, objectively, and will always put the greater good above my own prosperity.

So that is me. I don't want people to rush to judgement as to why I should be their supreme leader. I will post different thoughts/views for your consideration so you can make the rational (and right) choice that I am the only choice for King.

Your Supreme Ruler

King Common